Honest Reflections

 ^“When the demons came out of the man, they went into the pigs. Then the herd rushed down the steep bank. They ran into the lake and drowned.” Luke 8:33
God has been speaking clearly to me about one thing: PURPOSE.
Sunday was my nephew’s birthday.  He went to be with Jesus four years ago.  I went to the church where he met Jesus for his birthday.  I wanted to thank the people who had helped me introduce Cody to Jesus.  That is where God first started talking.
The message was on PURPOSE.  The guest speaker talked about how living for the approval of people keeps you from the purposes of God.  A great example of this is Moses in Hebrews 11:24-26.  He chose God, not people.
He also explained the POWER of PURPOSE.  When we know our purpose it diminishes the distractions in life.  We’re so focused on our purpose, we don’t notice anything else.  Purpose pushes through the pain.  I loved his example of a mother giving birth.  She endures the pain of childbirth because she knows its purpose.  She will have a child.  Lastly, purpose empowers us to please God.  When you have identified what God’s purpose for you is, it makes it easy to please God.
I’ve known for a long time what my general PURPOSE is.  I’m to love God and love others.  Mark 12:30-31.  No matter where I’m at or what I’m doing. I’m to be loving God and loving people.  I know that.
But I’m beginning to believe God has a CALLING for me as well.
The second time God brought the conversation of purpose up was yesterday, in my group.  Our topic for the evening was PURPOSE.  From our group discussion, our leader derived purpose and calling are the same thing.  As our conversation evolved we debated purpose versus calling.  Calling won.
When God gives you a PURPOSE it’s a CALLING.
Then this morning God had me pondering Luke 8:33:
“When the demons came out of the man, they went into the pigs, and the herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and was drowned.”
Specifically, I was focused on the pig farmer.  The owner of the pigs had just lost a significant amount of income.  What about him?  What is his PURPOSE in the story?  I haven’t discovered the answer to it yet.  But I will not take the pig farmer for granted anymore.  I will always recognize him in the story.  I’ve never done that before.  I’ve only thought of Jesus and the demon possessed man.   I never cared about the pigs.  Now I do.
And just an hour ago I had a conversation with my husband I want to always remember.  For the first time in our married lives, we were both studying the same scripture at the same time, but didn’t know it.  It’s an incredible feeling to realize God is that closely connected to you in your marriage.
He had a different perspective though.  He was realizing how the man, once cured of the demons wanted to follow Jesus.  He wanted to go where Jesus went and be a disciple.  Jesus said no.  He couldn’t come.  His PURPOSE was to go into the city and tell the people what He had done for him.
My husband brought up the point how devastating that must have been for him.  After the miraculous healing, wouldn’t he naturally be the best disciple?  Yet Jesus says no.  It was probably heartbreaking for this man not to be able to go with Jesus.
Here’s the beautiful nuance though.  Just a few verses later, when Jesus returns a crowd welcomed him.  “for they were all expecting him.” Luke 8:40 Why were they expecting him?  Because the demon possessed man had done his PURPOSE.  He had told the townspeople what Jesus had done.  His CALLING was to go tell the people about Jesus.  He did it.  He fulfilled his calling.  I can’t imagine there is anything more fulfilling than that.
It hasn’t been three full days and I’ve had PURPOSE brought up to me in all of these different ways.  I think God is talking to me.  I need to take time to listen to what He is saying.
I’m just curious what will be next!
 
 
 

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8
You could easily say this has been one of those weeks.  Not only in my life, but in the lives of friends I love very dearly.  In family members lives who are struggling through some hard stuff right now.  Tomorrow is Cody’s birthday.  I always miss him more this time of year.
But I just had the coolest thing happen.  I know you’re going to think I’m crazy.  I’ve shed a lot of tears in my lifetime.  Most of us have.  I rely on Psalm 56:8 every time I shed one.  I think of God capturing my tears.  Recording my hurts.  It always makes me feel better.
I just sat down to start session four of Lisa Harper’s study on Job.  I love listening to Lisa Harper.  I like the sound of her voice.  I love the slight grittiness to it.  I love the southern accent.  Her voice soothes me when I hear it.
I started the session.  There is this music at the beginning.  Every time I hear it start, my heart quickens.  I know I’m about to learn something good.  I get so excited.
Today, as my heart quickened, tears started to roll silently down my cheek.  It’s the first time I’ve ever started a study in tears.  It’s the first time I think I have experienced joy and sorrow simultaneously.
I thought to myself, “If I’m crying when I start this, it’s going to be even better than I think.”
Life is so hard.  But that doesn’t mean it’s bad.  It doesn’t mean you’re alone.  It doesn’t mean God doesn’t care.  It simply means it’s hard.
I love this quote from Bob Goff’s book, “Everybody Always”:
“We can bring all the game we’ve got, but only Jesus has the power to call out of us the kind of courage it takes to live the life He talked about.”
That is truth in its best sense.  Life is hard but it’s worth it.
On to session four!
(Today’s picture was taken on the streets of NYC when I was there in August.  Hope in the middle of the city!)

^“Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters,  that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel”  Philippians 1:12
I have had so many conversations with people lately about why bad things happen to good people?  Why does God allow it to happen?
They are challenging conversations.  Especially with some of the circumstances people are facing.  I wonder it in my own life.  It’s why I’m intently studying Job.  I’m looking for answers to those questions.
I just realized, I’m asking the wrong questions.
God promised us in John 16:33 we will have trouble in this world:
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Yet, as I’ve talked about before, we’re surprised when they do actually happen.  I was surprised when Cody died.  I wasn’t expecting it.  Didn’t see it coming.  Yet it happened.  Gratefully, we had answers to a lot of our questions.  More times than not, we don’t have answers.  I think mainly because there are none this side of heaven.
I can absolutely tell you I did not ask these two questions:
“How is God going to use this to advance the gospel in and through me?” (Phil 1:12)
“How can I display Your great strength in my great weakness?” (2 Cor. 12:9-10)
(Taken from “Is God Trying to Ruin My Life?” by Martha Lawley)
Those are tough questions to ask.  It is hard to take the focus off of ourselves.  It’s hard to take the focus off of the circumstances.  It is really hard to take our focus off of the pain.  I find it incredibly difficult.
But I’m going to try.  I’m going to try asking these questions instead.  I’m going to try and get my focus back on God, instead of myself.
I’m going to try.

“…you should live in a way that proves you belong to the God who calls you into his kingdom and glory.” 1 Thessalonians 2:12 GW
God moved in my life today.  I just don’t know how.  I do know, though, it’s a day I’ll never forget.  This verse was the verse he used to speak to me.  The answer I received was not the answer I wanted.  He reminded me how I was suppose to respond.
I woke up this morning to a beautiful sunrise.  I saw a ray of sunshine through the window.  I knew it was a good one.  I grabbed my phone to capture it.  That’s when I saw the text and knew life was about to change.
I’m not going to share the details of the rest of this day.  In the future, when I know more what God is up too.  I’ll tell you then.  The details don’t matter.
What matters is God moved AND I recognized it.
There is nothing I love more than when God moves.  It is so exciting to be with Him when He does.  Watching God work out the pieces is better than any show you will ever watch on T.V.  The “coincidences” that begin to happen.  The schedules that get changed.  God works in so many different ways.
Days like today though.  When He moves big.  When He answers a prayer you’ve been praying for months.  And you’re not expecting it.  You don’t forget those days.
Here’s to God’s plan.  May I be right in the middle of it!

“Will you speak wickedly on God’s behalf?  Will you speak deceitfully for him?” Job 13:7
“Much of what they have to say about the relationship between God and man is theologically sound.” Lisa Harper ‘Job’
She’s talking about Job’s three friends. But it made me think of all the different perspectives there are on God. I’ve been reading a lot of different books, intentionally. Most non-fiction, some fiction. You really have to pay attention to what they’re saying. It’s super easy to get off track.
I am beginning to realize how easy it is to get off track in life too.  No one ever intentionally sets out to hurt themselves.  No one ever gets up in the morning and says “What can I do to screw my life up today?”  No one.  Even Job, who had lost everything, was in the depths of depression at the bottom of the pit.  He didn’t think about what he could do to hurt more.  No, he was looking up, with hope to God to save him from his misery.  He was focused on the right thing.
But his friends weren’t.  They all were on track with God to a point, but then they took God out and inserted themselves.

• Eliphaz thinks Job’s suffering because of his sin.
• Bildad thinks it because Job’s kids sinned
• Zophar thinks God is tired of hearing Job complain

When you read each of their talks.  When you dig into it.  You’ll discover they all have some theologically correct points in their arguments.  If you’re not discerning you wouldn’t realize they go from God to them effortlessly.  It’s all very innocent.  They are just trying to help their grieving friend.  They just want to make him feel better.  In their efforts they hurt him, not help him. That was never their intent.
They were just doing the best they could do.
I remember after Rick Warren’s son committed suicide.  He said there were people who were there for him he never expected.  Some of the people he had expected were not there for him.  He realized all of them were doing the best they could do.  Even the ones who didn’t show up.  He realized everyone is just in different places on their journey.
The important thing is that God showed up through it all.  Keep your focus on Him! Don’t let anyone steer you off course.
 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.”  Isaiah 55:8
I’m reading several different authors at the moment.  I’m not sure which one it was who put this thought in my head:
Don’t limit God to what you know, what you have experienced.  If you do you will have a very one dimensional God.   (My words, not a quote.)
I’m learning I have done exactly that.  I have created a one dimensional God based on what I know from my life.  Just because I haven’t experienced it doesn’t mean it’s not an aspect of God.  If I don’t know it, doesn’t mean it’s not an aspect of God.
God is personal to each of us.  He shows up to each of us in different ways.  I limit Him when I put Him into the confines of just what I know personally.
The more I learn about God it makes me realize how much I have yet to learn.   It makes me yearn to know more.  I love even though I’ve been walking with God all my life. Even though  I was born and raised in a Christ following home.  I’m still seeking.  I’m still searching to know Him deeper.
I have the privilege of working with people who just meet Jesus. I love how they tentatively ask questions they aren’t sure if they should ask.  There is nothing more fulfilling than watching someone get to know Jesus.  It’s exhilarating.  It’s encouraging.  It’s inspiring.
I’m just glad when you are on a journey with Christ it is never ending.  No matter where I am in my walk with Him.  It’s still exciting.  Still exhilarating.  Still encouraging.  Still inspiring.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.  Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:  “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. ” Proverbs 31:25-30
I just had a revelation about one of the blessings of growing older.   I’m always having conversations how growing old sucks.  I’m trying to find the good in growing old. God just showed me some good. You appreciate the people who went before you more.  People who set an example for you.  Who looked out for you and protected you.  People you could trust had your best interest at heart, always.  You just didn’t realize it.
God just showed me my Mom was one of those people.  Even more than I thought.
I was eating my sweet potato for lunch, thinking how hard it is to lose weight.  The older I get, the harder it is.  My mind wondered to my Mom.  I started thinking of her at my age.  How active she was.  How she went to Weight Watchers.  Always counting calories, always trying.  I never understood until now how hard she worked.  I took it for granted.
I understand more now than ever because I’m facing the same challenges.  I now understand when she was doing the Special K diets of her generation,  how hard that was for her.  That’s because it’s so much harder losing weight at my age than it has ever been before for me.  She learned this lesson first.  She set a good example for me in how to handle it.  I am grateful she thought of me even then.
I also now understand how hard loss of loved ones is like I never have before.  By the time I was born my Mom had already experienced the loss of her Dad and 2 of her siblings.  A third sibling died while I was a child, Uncle Jim.  I didn’t know that man long, but in the few years I did he left a lasting impression on me.  He was amazing.  I can’t imagine how hard that loss was for my Mom. She lost her Mom shortly after Uncle Jim.  I watched her lose my Dad, the love of her life.   She never  took her wedding rings off the rest of her life.  She lived longer without him than she did with him.  They were married 19 years, she lived 24 years widowed.
I never understood how hard it was, until I experienced the loss of loved ones so deep it cut me to the core.  Now I do.  I’ve lost that deeply now.  I’ve felt that pain.  Not all of it, thank God, but some of it.  Just knowing what I know, without having to face everything she had to face, makes me appreciate her so much more.  I’m praying God doesn’t ask me to face the other things anytime soon.
My Mom always said, “Actions speak louder than words.” I see now, that she knew one day I would experience such pain.  She wanted me to know what to do.  She was setting an example for me.  She wanted me to know, just keep going.  Trust God, do what’s right, keep going.
I do Mom.  I trust God I’ll see you again.  I am trying my best to do what’s right.  Most of all, I’m still going.
 

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” Psalm 18:19
One thing I have never claimed to be is a great theologian.  Definitely not.  I am, however, a woman who loves the Lord passionately.  I am still learning how much He loves me.  It’s amazing.
He bought me a hot tub!  Well, my husband actually bought it for me.  God however gave us the means to buy it.  Hence, God bought me a hot tub.
It’s the why which is what amazes me.  It’s not because we’re trying to keep up with the Jones’s.  It’s because I couldn’t walk.  Literally.  For the past year, by the end of the day, I am limping in pain.  I’ve been praying diligently I wouldn’t rupture my achilles.  I’ve started doing yoga three times a week.  I stopped playing tennis.
It’s been bad.  Worse than I realized.  Do you know how I know that?  Because Ron bought me a hot tub so I wouldn’t be in pain anymore.  No lie.
We went on vacation this summer for a week.  The house we rented had a hot tub in it.  I was doing a certification for tennis.  We were on the court from 9:00 in the morning until 6:00 in the evening.  Taught by a 74 year old  Serbian who had just run his 43rd consecutive Boston Marathon.  He didn’t know the meaning of the phrase, “water break”.
My tennis partner suggested we get in the hot tub at the end of that first long day.  So we did.  As well as the next day and the next day and the next day.  Every day but one while we were on vacation I got in the hot tub.
I would put my achilles up against the jet and let it massage the pain away.  It was amazing.  By the end of the week, for the first time in over a year, I was walking pain free.  I couldn’t believe it.  It felt so good.
We came home from vacation on Sunday.  Three days later, on Wednesday, Ron bought me a hot tub.   I told him I wanted to start thinking about getting one.  I never thought we would get it so soon.  I just wanted to go look.  There were no intentions of  buying one at all on my part.   Not Ron, he asked me which one I wanted and bought it.
Ron bought me a hot tub so I wouldn’t be in pain anymore.  I have never felt so loved before in my life.  By Ron, but also by God.  It’s answer to prayer for me.  I’ve been praying for over a year for my achilles to be healed.  I only have one job where I sit.  All my other jobs, I’m on my feet.  I’ve been asking God that I’ll be ready when he calls.  Physically as well as spiritually.  If someone needs help moving, I want to be able to do it.  Here’s some examples:

• I love mowing my father-in-laws property for him.  It serves him.  It serves my husband.  Love being able to take that off their plate.
• I love going golfing with my brother.  It’s a way we connect like we never have before in all our years.
• I love being able to work alongside my husband physically.  Whether it is unloading pavers, holding up beams or shoveling gravel.  It’s my favorite way to help him.
• I love teaching tennis to kids who otherwise may never have learned to play.

It is all answer to prayer.  From God giving me an amazing husband to taking delight in me by giving me a hot tub.  I prayed for years and years for Ron.  I prayed for over a year to be healed from pain.  I don’t know why one happened sooner than the other, but neither of them happened overnight.
I saw a sign this past weekend.  The words were so true:
“I still remember the days when I prayed for all the things I have now.”
It’s true.  I really do!
 

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;^[  his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  Lamentations 3:22-23
God has a way of taking my breath away like no one else.  We are camping in Bedford, PA this weekend.  A gem of a campground we found last year called Merritt Pond.  It’s nestled in a valley, a man made duck pond.  Run by a family.
The owner is very precious to me, although I don’t know her well.  She drives around on her golf cart, taking care of her campers.  When I met her last year she had just lost her father.  He used to help her run it.  They were out working on the property, fixing water lines.  He was finishing up a job, told her to go on to the next one.  She did.  He never came.  When she went back looking for him, she found he had gone to be with Jesus.  He had had a heart attack and was gone, just like that.
I have never forgotten her story.
This morning, when I walked out of our camper, it took my breath away. The picture I’m posting with this doesn’t do it justice.  The peace and tranquility as I gazed out over the foggy pond went directly to my heart.  I was instantly reminded of the scripture above.  I felt God’s presence surrounding me.  I’m so grateful His mercies are new every day.
I was born and raised in PA.  Even though I’ve lived longer in VA, PA is and always will be my home.  When I come to this area, when I hear the PA accents I instantly feel safe.
It is in PA where I learned community.  You always hear “it takes a village”.  It does.  I was born in the village of Tidal.  I’m spending this weekend with lifelong friends from there.  They are friends that live over seven hours from us, yet when my brother’s son died they were there.  When my Mom died, they were there.  They were also there for the weddings, the birthdays and the celebrations.  It takes a village that shows up, no matter where you’re from or how big it is.  The key is showing up.
God’s mercy is new every morning because He shows up every morning.  More than anything in the world, that is what He wants us to do.  Show up.  Show up and meet with Him.  Show up and meet with others.  We don’t have to have the perfect words, perfect actions or perfect whatever.  All we have to do is show up.
I have dear friends who tragically lost their son in February.  In the seven months since, I have consistently heard my friend say, “Just show up.”.  That is all he wants for his village to do.  Show up for him.  Be there for them to help get through the tough days.  Be there for them as they adjust to this new normal in their lives.  Just show up.
I’m studying Job.  I’ve found that as I go deeper into ministry I encounter suffering here on this earth like I had never imagined.  I’m searching for answers to the question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” I get asked it so often.
I don’t have the answer to that question.  I have found what you do though, when it does.  You show up.
That’s what Job’s friends did for him when he lost everything.  They showed up.  For a week, they all just sat in silence, not speaking.  There weren’t words that describe the depth of grief that Job was experiencing.  There weren’t actions that could take away the pain.  There was just presence that in the midst of the loss of his children, his livelihood, his health he was not alone.
I’m just starting into the part of the study where they start talking.  They probably should of stayed silent, but that’s for another blog.
For today, just know God showed up.  He’s there for you.  His mercies are new.  He loves you.  If there’s someone in your life hurting, just show up.  You don’t have to say a word.  Just be there for them and let them know they aren’t alone.
 
 
 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Lord I know I need to write a blog on this, but instead I only have time for a note.
Had coffee with my mentor Friday. We had a long conversation on how much suffering there is in this world. I had three very sad things to share with her this week. We talked a lot about how following Christ isn’t easy. In fact all the pain and suffering we suffer He told us we would suffer (John 16:33). So why are we surprised when it actually happens?
I always am. I’m always surprised when something terrible happens.