Honest Reflections

Two-minute read.

“Lord, give me some of their pain.”

Years ago, I heard those words, and they struck me. I can’t remember the details of the story, but I have never forgotten their prayer request. And, at times, I’ve prayed the seven words for me when walking through a valley with someone in excruciating pain. What the person asked, and what I’ve asked, doesn’t mean we want pain, but instead we want to take some of the pain away from our loved one.

Having had several friends who have lost children, I have wanted to take away their pain. Mothers, when they give birth, retain some of their children’s cells in their bodies. They have a connection that no one else on earth can share. Losing an offspring means losing part of themselves, and I will never understand the depth of that pain. They never stop grieving their loss, and they always carry the heartache with them. Nothing anyone can do will take away their devastation, but we can empathize with them, grieve with them, and do our best to share their pain.

“The heart knows its own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy.”

Proverbs 14:10

Respecting someone’s pain helps share their burden. Whether you’ve experienced something like the person or not, everyone grieves differently, whatever the loss. Loving them well means giving them space to do what they need to do and not expecting them to do it the way you would. Often, we want to rush people through their heartache so that things will go back to normal. But when someone experiences a profound loss, the old normal no longer exists, and we shouldn’t try to force it. Instead, we should come alongside them and do our best to support them in their time of need. By doing so, we will bear one another’s burdens and help each other persevere through the tough days of life.

Everyone has hurts, whether we can see them or not. Reminding ourselves that everyone has hidden struggles will help us lead with grace. As we become more like Jesus, we will learn to carry each other’s burdens, whatever they may look like. Sometimes we become prayer warriors, other times we become God’s hands and feet. Whatever the Lord calls us to do, He equips us to do it. We don’t need all the answers to every situation; we can trust the One who does and follow Him. Jesus will show us how to carry others’ burdens.

 Journal Questions:

Who has helped carry your burdens and how?

Share a time when you helped carry someone’s burdens?

How does Jesus help bear your burdens?

Friendship Application:

Bear with one another today by finding a way to share their burden.

Two-minute read.

Conflict happens everywhere: at school, at work, at church, and at sporting events. Wherever people gather, conflict arises. The Lord made us unique; different life experiences and education give us different perspectives and opinions. Our human frailties can make us feel defensive when someone holds a different viewpoint, prompting us to strike out, rather than discuss. We don’t have to agree with everyone, nor do we have to like each other, but we do have to love others and strive to live peacefully with them.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Romans 12:18

Paul, in his letter to the Romans, tells us to live at peace with others to the best of our ability. He doesn’t say agree, nor did Jesus give us that command. Peacemakers don’t force people to see things their way; instead, they respect other people’s viewpoints and strive to love the person, despite their differences. Possessing the ability to share thoughts and ideas with others, whether you agree or disagree, and do it with love, will exemplify compassion in a conflict.

Think of Jesus during the last days of His life. From the time the guards arrested Him, the Savior endured slanderous accusations and beatings, yet He did not retaliate in kind. Instead, God’s Son stood quietly, not rising to the bait. When they hung Him on the cross, Jesus went willingly, making peace between sinners and the Father.

The Lord exemplified peacemaking, striving to unite, not divide. Conflict causes division, tearing apart relationships and hurting hearts. Peacemakers break the cycle, creating harmony and unifying people. Instead of taking offense when conflict occurs, and people say things they don’t mean, we can do what Jesus did: respond with mercy and love. As Christ hung on the cross, He said eleven words that epitomize compassion in conflict:

“Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they do.”

Luke 23:34

Compassion starts with forgiving offenses. Letting go of the hurt allows us to seek peace in the conflict. Finding resolution through understanding will create peace. Becoming more like Jesus means seeking peace rather than revenge. God will bless our efforts, knowing our hearts and the motivation behind our actions. Peaceful hearts seek unity and resolution. When we keep the Son in our eyes, we will find ways to show compassion in conflict instead of rising to the bait and inflaming the situation.

Journal Questions:

How does Christ show compassion in conflict from your perspective?

How can you seek peace and resolution in current conflicts in your life?

In what ways does seeking peace make you more like Jesus?

Friendship Application:

Work towards peace and resolution in whatever conflicts you encounter today.

Two-minute read.

Loving each other genuinely means understanding what they need emotionally. Sometimes friends need a pat on the back, other times they need a kick in the butt. To understand someone’s emotional needs, we must pay attention to their communication, not only what they say, but also how they say it and their body language. People can say one thing and tell you something completely different with their nonverbal cues; we must pay attention to both.

When a previous student left the tennis court after a tough loss, her body language reeked of disappointment and despair. However, when I asked her, “How are you doing?” she responded, “I’m fine.” I knew she didn’t feel fine and needed encouragement, so I spent the next several moments lifting her spirits. I pointed out everything she did right in the match and helped her identify what she learned from it. Then we talked about things she wanted to improve for the next match. By the time we finished speaking, she felt better and had a more positive attitude.

On the other hand, sometimes I miss communication cues and get it all wrong. Once, while training an assistant in how to deal with unhappy customers, we did a role-playing scenario. Playing the disgruntled customer, I drew on past experiences I had handled for my material. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that the stress of handling complaints had gotten under her skin. Only when she started crying did I recognize my mistake.

As we get to know people better, we’ll pick up on their emotional needs faster. Over time, we’ll begin to recognize the telltale signs of their feelings. Married to my husband for over a decade, I understand him much better now than when we first met. I can tell when he feels irritated, something most people don’t recognize because he hides it well. In the same way, he can identify my emotional needs much better now than when we first met. Taking time to invest in people and understand their emotional needs creates a stronger bond in the relationship and a much healthier friendship.

Become a better friend by understanding others’ emotional needs. You can always ask them what they need if you don’t know. Sometimes, they may not know. But the more time you invest in getting to know and understand someone, the better the friendship. Nothing brings more joy than having healthy relationships with those you love.

Journal Questions:

Describe someone who understands your emotional needs?

How can you become more alert to what others need emotionally?

Who has invested in your life and friendship that sets a good example to follow?

Friendship Application:

Become more attuned to your friend’s emotional needs and help meet them.

Two-minute read.

As a huge advocate for therapy, having someone listen to you, without fixing, but instead helping you understand, brings a special kind of freedom. I love my therapist, and make monthly appointments for what I call “mental maintenance.” We’ve done hard work together, overcoming ingrained childhood responses, addressing stunted emotional issues, and digging out negative roots and replacing them with the Lord’s promises. As a result, I live freer than I ever have, only regretting that I didn’t do the work sooner.

As friends, we can listen to others’ heart issues without trying to fix them. Seeking wise counsel can help work through the complexities within everyone, but it all starts with a listening ear. Becoming more self-aware and able to verbalize our strengths and weaknesses allows us to evaluate our lives and fine-tune them as needed objectively. At my last mental maintenance check, I discussed with my therapist the fact that I will always have more work to do. Because of our imperfections, we can’t expect to reach perfection on this side of heaven. But we can learn to accept ourselves, good, bad, and ugly, giving us the freedom to live fully.

Listen without trying to fix the next time a friend calls you to talk. Ask questions that help them think through their situation and look at it from all angles, but don’t try to fix it for them. Actively listening requires us to give the person our full attention. We must suspend judgment, ask clarifying questions, and then summarize key points to let them know you heard what they said. Only offer advice if asked for it, and even then, do so cautiously.

When we pour our hearts out to the Savior, He listens without fixing. The Lord knows, we need to get it out of us, whatever the issue, so that we can bring it into the light. Once we bring our problems into the light, they take on a different hue and become solvable. Often, we already know what we need to do, but talking about it helps bring the solution to the forefront.

Become an active listener and allow people to talk without trying to fix their problems. Draw out what lies beneath the surface by asking clarifying questions and giving them space to discover the answers they seek.

Journal Questions:

When you think of a good listener, who comes to mind?

How can pouring your heart out to Jesus help you deal with issues?

How can you become a better listener for others?

Friendship Application:

Listen without fixing, allowing people to talk about whatever they need to discuss.

Two-minute read.

Becoming a new creation in Christ gives us a new wardrobe, tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Only with the Savior can we don the outfit. Ridding ourselves of our old nature, we cloak ourselves in the virtues of Jesus. Allowing the Holy Spirit to prompt us from within our souls helps us outwardly show the acts of compassion Christ wants us to demonstrate towards others. True empathy comes from the heart and creates a connection with others that encourages and uplifts their downtrodden soul.

Over Thanksgiving, I had a painful ear infection. The first night, when the pain felt the worst, I cried out to God for mercy. As I lay praying in the dark, He reminded me of a friend in a painful struggle, and I turned my prayers towards her, knowing my temporary discomfort didn’t compare to her chronic condition. A few days later, when I shared my experience with her mother, it touched her heart. Unbeknownst to me, her daughter had excruciating pain over the holiday, far worse than mine, and no one knew it. But God did, and He placed her on my heart to pray for her. True empathy came from the Savior in that situation, because I didn’t even know she needed the prayer.

Everyone we meet has a struggle they don’t share with the world. No matter how perfect their lives may appear from the outside, they have challenges. Sometimes, the people who work the hardest to look the best have the most struggles. People get good at covering up their pain, but if we ask God to help us see them through His eyes, He will show us the hurting areas. We can lead with grace and mercy, treating others with kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience when we allow the Lord to order our steps.

 Studying Jesus’s life in the Bible gives us the perfect example for how we should treat others. God’s Son treated everyone with love and respect, never thinking Himself better than others. Jesus connected with people through the heart. In the story of the adulterous woman found in John, chapter eight, Christ demonstrated all the characteristics He wants us to share. The Lord neither condemned the woman nor her accusers, but in His infinite wisdom, reminded everyone that we all sin. Before we cast the stone at another, we should look in the mirror at ourselves first.

Journal Questions:

How has Christ helped you let go of your old ways?

In what ways can you clothe yourself in Jesus?

How does treating others with grace and mercy help the relationship?

Friendship Application:

Clothe yourself with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience towards all you meet.

Two-minute read.

Jonathan, Saul’s son, and David, the shepherd boy who defeated Goliath, had a special friendship. When Saul got jealous of David and tried to kill him, Jonathan protected his friend. Because of his father’s hatred for David, they had to part ways. As they separated, Jonathan said these words to his friend, trusting the Lord would watch between them. God watches all our friendships because He cares for us. Whether we live separated or right next door, the Creator sees it all.

Currently, I’m sick with a chest cold, sore throat, and lost voice. Feeling miserable, I texted my oldest and dearest friend to tell her. Unfortunately, she has what I have. We live eight hours apart, but we commiserated, prayed for each other, checked our progress, and supported each other. God bonds our friendship, despite the distance. As I love to tell people, “Our mothers were pregnant together.” The Lord made us friends in the womb, and He’s kept the cord together over five decades. At times, we lost touch, but thankfully, the Savior always brought us back together.

No one wants you to have healthy relationships more than Jesus. When He came to Earth, the Savior set an example for us to follow. Christ always put people first, seeking salvation for all. But the Savior knew that for people to place their faith in Him, they must trust Him. Unfortunately, even after witnessing His numerous miracles, some still wouldn’t believe, and gratefully, many did. Giving our lives to Christ means developing a close relationship with Him.

Ultimately, faith in Christ means having a loving relationship with Him and others. God wants our friendship, but also for us to have friendships with others. He watches between us and helps us have full relationships that bring joy to our hearts. Applying His teachings to our lives gives us the tools to have rich, full connections with Him and others. Obeying the Lord doesn’t deter relationships; it enhances them. The next time you have a friendship dilemma, consult the scriptures for advice. Seek God and His guidance to find the right path to take.

The Lord watches over us. He keeps our friendships under His watchful eye. When we need assistance, the Savior gives it. Following Jesus will lead us on the path of righteousness and help us enjoy our relationships to the fullest. Like Jonathan and David, the Lord watches between our friendships and keeps them close, no matter the distance.

Journal Questions:

In what friendship do you feel God’s presence most?

How has obeying the Lord made your relationships better?

How has faith in Jesus changed your friendships?

Friendship Application:

Seek God’s presence in your friendships and let Him guide your paths.

Two-minute read.

Watching a sitcom, one of the characters had a compass tattooed on his arm after getting lost in the woods. In his distorted thinking, he decided the permanent compass would help him find his way if he ever got lost again. We all have the potential to lose ourselves, getting off the beaten track, unable to find our way back to the path. One tragic incident that happened a few years ago involved the death of a hiker. Trekking the 2,190-mile Appalachian Trail alone, the hiker left the trail to relieve herself and lost her way. In her journal, they discovered her poor sense of direction, which led to her death from starvation and exposure.[1]

If we don’t have a true north, a focus point we can rely on to keep us on the right track, like the lone hiker, we can lose our way. One of my favorite sayings, “Keep the Son in your eyes,” I learned from Pastor Sam Goins long ago. When we place our faith in Jesus, He becomes our true north. When we live to please the Savior, He will guide our steps and help us stay on the straight and narrow, leading us to eternal life with Him.

Jesus hears the conversations we don’t hear and sees the circumstances we don’t. From our limited perspective, we only see in part, but the Lord sees the whole. We can’t see the end of the trail, but God does, and we can trust Him to lead us in the right direction. In friendship, if we start to care more about what the person thinks than the Savior does, we can get lost.

When we put people before the Savior, we can lose our way, spending our time trying to make someone happy we can’t. The Lord doesn’t call us to fulfill someone’s every wish, but to love them. To have healthy relationships, we must keep the Son in our eyes and do what He did. Jesus didn’t enable people; He helped them become the best version of themselves. If they chose not to do what He said, the Lord let them go, allowing them the space to make their own decisions and suffer the consequences.

Keeping the Son in our eyes gives us a true north. We don’t need a compass; Jesus will direct our paths when we follow Him. The Lord helps us remain loyal to our friends without losing ourselves in them. God will never steer us wrong; He always has our best interests at heart, both for ourselves and for our friends.

Journal Questions:

How does Jesus give you a true north?

When have you strayed off the path and found your way back with Jesus?

In what ways can you keep the Son in your eyes?

Friendship Application:

Keep the Son in your eyes and let Him direct your paths.

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[1] https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/27/us/missing-hiker-geraldine-largay-appalachian-trail-maine.html#:~:text=Geraldine%20Largay%20at%20the%20Poplar,how%20many%20years%20from%20now.%E2%80%9D

Two-minute read.

At dinner with friends, I will never forget receiving the phone call about the death of our flower girl in a tragic accident. In an instant, one of my longest friendships shifted into a season none of us ever imagined. In the 18 months since the accident, I have learned to navigate the relationship in unexpected ways. Where once we talked on the phone daily, we rarely do now. Instead, we get together for coffee, spend time together, cry together, and, on occasion, even laugh. Our friendship has changed with the loss, but it continues to grow amid suffering.

We never know what the day will bring or how it will affect our friendships. Naomi and Ruth endured unimaginable loss. Naomi’s husband moved her and their two sons to Moab. Her husband passes away, and Naomi’s sons marry Moabite women, Ruth and Orpah. When her sons both die, leaving three widows to fend for themselves, Naomi decides to move back to Bethlehem. Orpah returns to her family, but Ruth refuses to leave her mother-in-law and determines to go with her.

Ruth had found the Lord when she married into Naomi’s family, something she didn’t have in the pagan nation, and something she didn’t want to give up. God strengthens relationships during times of trial, the cord that holds things together when everything falls apart. In the end, Ruth meets Boaz and becomes a great-grandmother to King David, but first, the women endured hardships that strengthened their bond.

Like with my friend, we didn’t want to go through the valley of death, but God has met us in our pain and helped us persevere. The story continues, one day at a time, as we navigate the shifting season, but we do it together with the Lord. In this world, we will have trouble, but we can take heart because Jesus overcame it.

Make Christ the center of all your relationships. When life gets out of balance, He helps you find your footing. The waves of trouble will knock us to our knees, but Jesus picks us up and shows us how to persevere. When we keep the Son in our eyes, we will never lose our way. Until He calls us home, the Savior never leaves us nor forsakes us, but helps us navigate the twists and turns of life. Cling to the Lord and go wherever He takes you, knowing He will show you how to navigate the shifting seasons of life.

Journal Questions:

When has life knocked you to your knees?

How does having Jesus help you navigate the valleys?

Who has walked through difficult times with you?

Friendship Application:

Keep the Son in your eyes and trust Him to help you navigate the shifting seasons of life.

Two-minute read.

Our best friend laid his life down for us, Jesus. We will find no one who loves us more than He does, and the Lord set an example for friendship that few can follow. Periodically, stories of heroism emerge when someone lays their life down for another. Members of the military do it every day for our country. And the sacrifice our military make affects the lives of their families as well. Living in a military area, I have several friends whose husbands leave for deployments that last up to a year. No greater love exists than laying down one’s life for another.

In practice, we lay down our lives for our friends when we put their needs before our own. Putting aside our desires to help another demonstrates true friendship. When my nephew died, I will never forget a friend from high school who drove eight hours to attend his memorial. Even though we hadn’t seen or talked to him in years, when he heard the tragic news, he put aside everything going on in his life and came.

My husband demonstrates his friendship with me regularly. In my most recent episode with a chest cold, he went to the store and got me chicken noodle soup, medicine, and all I needed to get well. Refusing to leave my side, he stayed close, making sure I didn’t want a thing. Marriage means putting your spouse’s needs before your own and doing for them what they can’t do for themselves.

Finding ways to lay our lives down for others helps us develop friendships that will last. God created us for community, designing us to need each other. When we take care of others, they take care of us. Like Ron caring for me during my illness, I care for him when he gets sick. We take turns cooking and doing the chores around the house, and actively find ways to serve each other.

Friends look out for each other. Strive to serve others, finding ways to lighten their loads, and loving them as Jesus loved us. The Lord went to the cross for us, giving His life so we can have eternal life with Him. Willingly, He sacrificed, and we should do the same. Becoming more like Christ means laying down our lives for our friends and loving them with all we have.

Journal Questions:

In what ways do you consider Jesus your best friend?

How can you become more like Christ today?

List practical ways you can lay your life down for your friends.

Friendship Application:

Put aside your desires and find ways to serve your friends.

Two-minute read.

Keeping promises and showing up, even when it hurts, grows us. Recently, I committed to helping a friend entering a new chapter of life. Tag-teaming with another friend, we decided to make a monetary gift. But then life happened, and I forgot to follow up. When my friend texted to ask how much money she owed me, it reminded me that I didn’t do the legwork on the project, so she agreed to do it.

“I’m going to give $100. What do you want to give?” She texted me.

Initially, I had planned to give a quarter of that amount, but then I thought of today’s verse and matched her gift. Pondering on today’s scripture, I thought about making rash promises and having to keep them. Knowing I kept my promise, even though I gave more than I could afford at the time, it helped me grow and mature. When we make promises without thinking and must pay the price of our impulsiveness, we grow. From the situation, we learn to think before we commit. And as we become known for keeping our word, we will gain respect, and people will trust us.

Friends show up, and they keep their promises. The people we trust most have proven to us they deserve the trust we give them. Surrounding ourselves with people who strive to keep their word and do the right thing will help us do the same. We all need accountability, people who will hold us to the commitments we make, and will show up for us when we need them. When someone doesn’t keep their promises or show up, take it as a red flag not to put your trust in them.

As people grow and mature, they become more trustworthy, realizing the value of keeping their word. Unfortunately, some people never learn the lessons, remaining immature and untrustworthy. Discernment allows us to tell the difference. People who keep their promises and show up deserve our trust. But if they prove themselves unreliable, still love them, but don’t depend on them.

Determine what type of person you want to become:  trustworthy and dependable or untrustworthy and unreliable. Your actions reveal your decision. People will know you by what you do.

Journal Questions:

Who always keeps their promises in your life?

How can you show up for someone today?

When have you kept your promise, even though it hurt?

Friendship Application:

Keep your promises and show up.