Honest Reflections

”All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.”  Psalm 6:6
Yesterday is what I call a grieving day.  It’s the second one I’ve had this year.  Both have been grieving over the loss of my Cody boy.  Both have taken me completely off guard.  I find myself in a flood of tears which don’t want to stop.
I love what a friend just texted me.  I had to write it down because I’m pretty sure yesterday will not be my last grieving day.  However when the next one comes, I’ll understand it more.
Developmental Grief in a nutshell is when grief can be made fresh again due to different developmental points in life such as birthdays and holidays.  In my case, yesterdays can easily be pointed to Halloween and Cody’s birthday in a couple of days.
The part she wanted to share with me is why we still hurt:
“What do you believe occurs for the person who reaches the acceptance stage?  Does “getting over it” mean they have moved past the grief so it doesn’t debilitate them any longer?  In our “check-it-off-the-list and move on” society, we falsely assume that acceptance means the loss no longer impacts our life.  This simply isn’t true.  Acceptance essentially means that a person comes to terms with the reality of their losses and chooses to live in spite of it.  The sorrow will still linger, but the intensity is lessened.  When a person chooses to process the grief, they still have questions, but they aren’t emotionally paralyzed anymore.  The consequences of the loss are still unwelcome, but can be faced head on.”
It’s true.  On grieving days, I often think of verses like Psalm 6:6.  David grieved.  Even Jesus wept (John 11:35). We are allowed to grieve.  In our society though, grief is uncomfortable.  People want everyone to be ok.
On days like yesterday, I remind myself, I don’t live to make other people comfortable.  I live for an audience of One.  God knows my broken heart.  He knows I need to grieve.  He will always be there to comfort me.
I don’t know what you have lost.  I know we have all lost something.  There is so much loss in our world.  Loss of loved ones.  Loss of dreams.  Loss of jobs.  Whatever it is,  understand and give yourself permission to grieve.  It is what will help you keep moving forward to all God has in store for you.
Give yourself permission to grieve.  Let God catch your tears:
”You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.”  Psalm 56:8

“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
There is a saying I’ve heard which I feel describes how I have experienced grief since losing my nephew Cody.
Grief is like the Ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing.  Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.  All we can do is learn to swim.
Vicki Harrison
It is so true.  It comes in waves.  Unfortunately, as time goes by, you never know when those waves are going to hit you.  I find they will knock me over because I had my back turned to it.  I didn’t see it coming.
Last night was Halloween.  I loved taking Casey and Cody Trick or Treating when they were children.  I loved the excitement and the energy.  Of course I loved the candy.  It was such a treasure.
Saturday is Cody’s birthday.  He would of been 24 years old.  I’m finding the combination of Halloween and his birthday has turned into a 100 ft. wave of grief for me.
Everything seems overwhelming.  The tears have started to roll down my cheeks.  Every time I think they’ve stopped  another one trickles down.
It’s a grieving day.  I’m letting myself have it.  I called a friend. I loved what she said to me.  She said when someone is knocked down what do the Emergency Responders tell you to do?  They tell you not to move or you could hurt yourself even further.  She gave me permission to let this wave wash over me, to let myself grieve.
Strangely, I needed the permission.   I’m not moving.  I’m allowing my heart to ache.  I’m letting the wave wash over me.
No matter how big the wave is, no matter how much the pain.  It was worth having him in my life for the time God gave me with him.  I’m so grateful.
I’m grateful for days like today.  I never want the waves to stop coming.  Even when they knock me down.  I know God will comfort me.  I know I will stand back up. I have learned to swim.  But I never want to forget.
I love you Cody!  I miss you!

“A woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”  Proverbs 31:30
One of my daily practices is to read a chapter of Proverbs each day.  I read the chapter which correlates to the date.  Today is the 31st so I read Proverbs 31.  Months that have only 30 days in them make me miss one of my favorite chapters in the entire Bible.
The Proverbs 31 woman who is described in verses 10-31 has always been who I aspire to be.  When I was single, I had these verses framed, hanging beside my bed.  I remember lying in bed, I would look over and read them.  My prayer was one day I would get to be that kind of wife, that kind of mom:
^[a]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
I have heard many a messages about the Proverbs 31 woman.  I’ve seen spoofs on how impossible it is to be her.  None of us can live up to her standards.
It’s true, none of us can.   I don’t think we are supposed to be exactly like her.  I fall short in so many ways, but it is in my shortcomings where I grow.  It’s where I learn.
I won’t ever be all She is, but God did answer my prayer.  I do have a wonderful husband.  He gave me the chance to try.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deut. 31:6
Our Pastor always says, you’re either a camper or a cruiser, but you can’t be both.  I have found we are the exception to his rule.
I was actually afraid I would love cruising so much I wouldn’t want to camp anymore.  However, I’ve found there are a lot of similarities between the two.
They are both a way of getting away from your normal life.  Both allow the luxury of unplugging to whatever extent you want.  No cell phones, no WiFi, no connection with the outside world if you want.  I have yet found it possible to completely unplug.  I’m a work in progress.
Both are filled with people.  One of the things I’ve been surprised about cruising is the amount of people on the ship.   I find myself going to my stateroom just to get away from people.  It’s the same with camping, they pack them into the campground.  You can be as involved, or uninvolved as you choose.
Then there is the entertainment.  Both offer a variety of all types of activities.  From adult to children there is something for everyone.  One just is more sea related, the other land.
And the food.  One big difference is the food.  On the cruise it is constantly available.  Of course with camping you have to prepare it your self, but there is always plenty.  I will definitely be dieting when I get home from the weight I’ve gained this week.
The best constant is God!  He camps and He cruises.  I have loved finding God on this ship.  He is in the sunrise in the morning, the sunset in the evening and the blue waves which carry us.  He has been in the conversations I have had with the people I have met.  I have found quiet time with Him which has rejuvenated me, reinvigorated me and given me back my passion.
Whether surrounded by the smells of the campground or the salty air, I find Him there.  In all I do He is there.  The farther He takes me,  whether far from home or close to it, He is there.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This verse was one of the first ones I read this morning in my daily Bible reading.  It is one of those verses we read or hear often.  It can so easily be glossed over.
This morning it caught my eye and became my prayer.  We’re on a cruise for my husband’s 50th birthday which is at the end of the week.  It’s the first vacation we’ve taken this year.
More than a vacation, I needed a praycation!
What is a praycation?  It is a word I made up to describe time with God away from the normal hustle and bustle of life.  Time to re-evaluate where you’ve been and where you are headed.  Time to renew your mind so you can test and approve what God’s will is for your life…His good, pleasing and perfect will.
I’m finding the hardest part of this praycation is shutting down.  It’s difficult for me to not have the “next thing” to get too.  I’m finding being on a ship in the middle of the Atlantic is really what it takes to shut me down.  There is no where to go.  There is nothing to do.  There is only time to pass.
I think the first step in renewing my mind is shutting it down.  As I gaze out at the big, beautiful ocean, I’m starting to feel the reboot start.  It makes me aware how our lives, our problems, our worries are just a drop in the ocean.  It’s helping me place myself back into the hands of my Maker.
That’s what I said to my husband last night as we left port, “We’re in God’s hands now.”  The moment after the words left my lips I realized, we always are.  He is with us always.  We’re not alone.  It’s us who forget, not Him.
 
 

“The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”  Exodus 33:14
In four more sleeps I go on vacation.  My sister-in-law always uses that phrase when she is close to hers.  I don’t think I’ve ever appreciated it as much as I do this year.
I don’t like to wish time away.  Each day is like a snowflake, individual, unique, never to be another one exactly like it. I typically don’t count down the days, I like to live in the moment.  This year, I’m counting down the days.  I can hardly wait for an entire week of unplugging.
Don’t get me wrong.  I’ll have wifi.  I’m really looking forward to doing some writing.  There will probably be a facebook post here and there.  But I won’t be working…
I won’t answer emails.  I won’t teach tennis lessons.  I won’t be walking dogs.
I love all of those things, but I’m ready for a break.  I love all of the people I have met doing all of those things.  I love being a part of their lives, but I recognize, like Jesus, I need to take some time away with God to be able to love them the way I want to love them:
“But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”   Luke 5:16
I doubt I’ll be lonely.  I’ll be with my best friend, my husband. I can’t wait to have him all to myself.  We’ll be surrounded by people, none of whom I will know.  I’m looking forward to meeting them and hearing their stories.
One of my favorite pastors, Mark Batterson always says:
”Change of pace + change of place= change of perspective”
I can’t wait to experience it.  I’m excited for my new perspective.  I can’t wait to see what God will do with this time of rest. How it will set the course for my next year.
Oh vacation, how grateful I am to take you!

“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” Proverbs 28:13
I have listened to two impactful books this week.  The first one is “Finish” by John Acuff.  From a reference in his book I learned about “Black Box” by Matthew Syed.
“Finish” is what it says it is, learning to finish what you start.  Whether it’s a weight loss goal or writing a book.  It’s easy to begin, it’s hard to cross the finish line.  I’ve struggled with obtaining my weight loss goal for years.  I realized after listening to his book, I’ve been striving for perfection and not accepting my imperfection.
His studies found most people quit on day two of their attempt to complete a goal.  He called this day, “the day after perfection”.  It’s the day you fall off the wagon of whatever it is you’re trying to attempt.  For me, it could be eating a piece of cake when I’ve made the commitment to give up sugar.  It could be not writing a blog when I’ve made the mental commitment to blog once a week.  (Which is actually a goal I’m trying to accomplish.)  Embracing our imperfections along the path to our goals helps us to ultimately complete our goals.  I would call this, giving ourselves margin for error.
One of the take aways from “Finish” is the phrase “might as well”.  John talked about how when we fall off our proverbial wagon is when we use the phrase “might as well”.  I already ate the cake, might as well eat the pie.  I didn’t write last week, I might as well not write this week.  He’s right.  It is a quick identifier for the day after perfect.  It is a great way to check yourself when you’re about to go astray.
Instead of setting impossible goals, I can still lose one pound a week if I eat a piece of cake.  Just because I missed a week of writing doesn’t mean I have to give up completely.
Pair John’s book with Matthew’s book, Black Box, which is all about learning from your mistakes, God willing I may just have some break throughs!
Black Box, so far is comparing the healthcare industry to the aviation industry.  It turns out, aviation has become one of the safest ways to travel because of the black box.  Every accident in history has been analyzed.  As a result corrective measures have been taken which have allowed for this to occur.
On the other hand, when medical “accidents” happen such as making the wrong diagnosis, reading the wrong chart, operating on the wrong body part or giving the wrong medication, all which can lead to the death of the patient, it doesn’t get analyzed.  It often gets tossed aside as “one of those things” or “it was out of our control.”  Was it really though?
What I realized, as listening to this book, which by the way, I haven’t finished yet, still listening too.  It’s the source of motivation for looking at the mistakes in these two industries which is drastically different.  In aviation, when an airplane crashes the pilot usually dies.  Powerful motivation to understand what went wrong for pilots because they don’t want it happening to them.  In the medical profession however, when there is an “accident” someone else experiences the loss, not the doctor or nurse.  Not quite as motivating for them to analyze what went wrong because it isn’t as personal.  Obviously, I’m not saying doctors and nurses don’t care about the patients they lose, it just isn’t thought of the same way as the black box in airplanes.  It is thought of as more individual, case by case, not as easily analyzed.  At least that is how I’m understanding it so far, no doubt I could be wrong.  What Matthew puts forth is it can be analyzed and learned from but the motivation isn’t there to do it.
Anyway, putting these two books together has given me a lot to think about.  Instead of quitting the “day after perfect” I need to accept my imperfection as part of the journey to reaching my goal.  By looking back and analyzing my previous failures, I can quickly identify my “might as wells” which will help me to attain success.
Unfortunately, accepting imperfections and analyzing past mistakes are not popular trains of thought.  It’s hard to be honest with ourselves.  It’s hard to shine the light into our dark places and expose them.  Until we do, until we face our fears, we won’t reach the finish line.
Gratefully, our light is Jesus,  His love is unconditional, nothing is hidden from Him.  He already knows our imperfections and loves us.  He already knows our mistakes and forgives us.
Christ followers always talk about applying those principles to others.  Isn’t it time we applied them to ourselves?

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33
Yesterday my husband and I experienced our fifth flat tire together.  It was on I-95 near Fredericksburg, VA.  Just before the exit.  It was nerve racking.  The cars and trucks were flying by so fast.  No one stopped, of course.  A police officer came by just as we were finishing up.  Gratefully it was on the passenger side, which meant away from the traffic.  God protected us, we changed it and were able to get back on the road.
We had been traveling for approximately two hours at this point.  It was our third obstacle in a short time.  We’d had a trucker pull us over because he felt our bikes were not secure on the back of the trailer.  Which they were.  Then a piece of trim on our Fifth Wheel had come loose and was flopping in the wind, which had to be tucked back into the frame.  Third was the flat tire.
For the first time in our RVing life I wanted to turn around and go back home.  It just seemed like too much.  I was afraid of what would happen next.
My husband though, said something which changed my perspective.  We had gotten back on the road.  I was recapping to him all of the flat tires I had experienced since being married to him.  I had worked for 16 years as a Merchandise Coordinator with Nautica.  During that time I averaged 50,000 plus miles a year driving.  Gratefully, not once did I have a flat tire.  God’s grace on my life.  Since being married to Ron, in five years we’ve had five flats.
I’d rather have a flat with my husband, than none by myself.
I was focused on the negative side of having a flat tire when  he shared his philosophy with me.  He has always been “flat tire” prone.  He told me he has learned flat tires are a part of life.  When you experience as many as he has, you learn to just deal with it and move on.  You don’t let it ruin your day.  You take the bad with the good.
He’s right.  Flat tires are a part of life.  Whether it’s an actual flat tire, a job loss or a something even worse.  It happens.  Jesus tells us in John 16:33 it’s going to happen.  Take heart though, He is with you in all things. He has overcome whatever it is.  Even death.
We have to learn to deal with it and keep going.  I’m not saying it’s going to be easy.  I’m not saying it’s going to be immediate.  I am saying God is with you.  He will help you keep going.  He will send people and events into your life which will spur you on.
Just like my husband spurred me on yesterday when I wanted to give up.
”…in this world you will have trouble, take heart, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Don’t let your flat tires stop you from what God has in store for you.  Keep going.  Get back on the road.  It’s only a bad moment, don’t let it ruin your day.

“And besides, there is a great chasm separating us. No one can cross over to you from here, and no one can cross over to us from there.’” Luke 16:26
I had the most incredible evening last night, and the most spiritual.  A friend invited my husband and I to go see the Psycadelic Furs with him.  He’s in the music industry, my husband used to be in the music industry.  I went along for the ride.
Because of his position, our friend is granted VIP access.  It is the first time I have ever experienced what it is like behind the scenes in the music industry.
At first, I have to admit, I was nervous.  It reminded me of where I used to be before I started following Jesus.  Then the truth settled in as I remembered, I’m not that person any more.  I am new in Christ.
We had a bird’s eye view.  I stood at the gap looking over the crowd to my left, the stage to my right.  As I gazed out over the people one thought prevailed in my head, “They need Jesus.”  I started thinking this is exactly where Jesus would be, loving on these people.  I realized I had the opportunity to love on these people who I normally would never have met or seen.  I’m not a music girl, I never really have been.  I can count the number of concerts I’ve been to on two hands.
But God had brought me here.  Not only did He bring me here, but He had given me a unique view.  The chasm between the stage.  It reminded me of the distance between heaven and hell.  I kept looking at the people to the left, how desperately they wanted to be on the stage, yet they couldn’t get there.
I’m grateful for us.  We have a way of getting there.  Jesus created the way for us.  He is the bridge which we walk across to our eternity.  Praise be to God!
As I stood there, asking God the best way I could love these people?  I realized it was by praying for them.  I asked God to help them cross the chasm.  I prayed they would all come to know Jesus.  I asked Him to bring people into their lives who would introduce them to Jesus.  I prayed they would all be with me in heaven.  They would all meet my Cody boy one day who is already there.
It was powerful!  I asked the Lord not to let me forget what He showed me last night.  I don’t want to ever forget how far the Lord as brought me.  I’m so thankful He reminded me.
God rocks!

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13
I just have to share the most impactful part of my week.  It’s going to be short and quick.
I am working on a writing project.  I wrote a chapter on forgiveness the other day. In my research I used this story.
Cory Ten Boom, a prisoner in the concentration camps during World War II, was confronted with the guard that held her and her sister hostage.  He had come to know Jesus in the years since.  He had listened to her speak on God at a local church.  Afterwards he came up to her and asked her to forgive him for how he treated her while she was imprisoned.  He knew Christ had forgiven him, he wanted her forgiveness as well.
She had just spoken on behalf of God.  She knew she was compelled to forgive.  However she had no desire to forgive.  So she asked God for help in this simple prayer:
“Jesus, help me! I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.”
She describes lifting her hand woodenly, but then a current started in her shoulder and raced down her arm to their entwined hands. She said then a healing warmth flooded her entire body and true forgiveness entered her. She went on to say, after experiencing such a tremendous forgiveness, she never had trouble forgiving again.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this since I wrote it.  I love this prayer.  I now know, sometimes all I have to do is lift my hand.  God will take care of the rest if I ask Him too.
I struggle with forgiveness.  I don’t like letting people off the hook.  I really rather like them to squirm.  But that is not what God does.  That is not what God has done for me.  He has forgiven me completely.  The least I can do is forgive others.
I’m not God, not by a long shot.  I am willing though, to lift my hand, trusting He will do the rest.  It will take some work though.  I pray He gives me the time to do it!