Honest Reflections

Read Proverbs Chapter 17.

“Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends.” Proverbs 17:9 CSB

I recently watched the movie “Green Book”, a powerful movie about friendship.  It’s about a gifted piano player and his chauffeur as they navigate the complicated waters of the early 1960’s.  Highly recommend it.

There is one point in the movie where the  piano player finds himself in a compromising situation with the police.  His chauffeur is called to rescue him. When the chauffeur arrives at the scene, he immediately sums up what has happened as he looks at his boss’s naked body, handcuffed to a shower head, beaten and bloody.  He doesn’t blink an eye at what he sees.

The first thing he does is ask to cover up his boss’s nakedness.  Then he proceeds to talk to the police, getting his friend out of this situation.  As they are walking to the car afterwards, he never says one word about what he saw.  He never passes judgement. He simply says, “I told you not to go anywhere without me.”  His boss replies this is one time he thought he wouldn’t want to come. I love what the chauffeur says back to him.  He simply replies, since he’s been a bouncer at a bar, he realizes life is complicated.

It’s a beautiful picture of this verse.  These two men become life long friends after their two month journey together.  They died within months of each other in 2013. The chauffeur’s act of love in concealing the offense promoted their friendship.  It could of easily gone the other way and separated it forever.

Concealing an offense is challenging.  When we are wronged or when we know someone’s deepest secrets, the hardest thing to do is not talk about it.  We want to scream it from the rooftops, letting everyone know. We want justice for what has been done to us. We want to tell the juicy gossip we have learned  None of that will promote love, none of it will strengthen friendships. It will only tear them apart.

Read Proverbs Chapter 16.

“A contrary person spreads conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.” Proverbs 16:28

Contrary, in its original form means “a perversity or fraud”. That is what a person who spreads conflict is doing, they are perverting the story or completely lying about it. That will definitely cause conflict. Gossiping is just as harmful.

But how do you know if you’re doing either one of these things?

A few years ago I saw this on a church sign:
“Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?

Words do affect people. What you say affects people. I’ll never forget when I moved to Virginia. I always consider myself an open person. I had flunked out of college in PA and it was my last chance to get my life on track. I moved in with my brother on a Thursday. He had lined up two jobs for me waiting tables, which I started the very next day. One in the morning, one in the evening. I set about the business of saving money for tuition so I could finish my degree. I thought everyone I worked with knew what I was doing. It wasn’t until months later I found out they thought I was pregnant and had moved here to have the baby.

I was astonished. Why in the world would they think that? I didn’t think anything I had done or said had given that impression. Yet that is what people believed of me at that time. It was incredibly hurtful. The only reason I found out was because it became obvious to them after months had gone by that it wasn’t true.

If people don’t know the truth, they make it up. Or they misinterpret what is being said to them. Or they just want to have the scoop on the latest piece of juicy gossip. But gossip is never good. There is never a good reason to spread rumors about people. It will always hurt someone. It will always cause strife. There are two additional filters I like to use when talking about someone else: Would I want this said about me? Am I able to say it to the person directly? If I can’t say it to them, I shouldn’t say it about them.

It’s difficult to always speak uplifting and encouraging words. Wouldn’t you rather be known as a person who builds people up instead of tears them down?

Ditch gossip, embrace kindness.

Read Proverbs Chapter 15.

“One who listens to life-giving rebukes will be home among the wise.”

The word “among” occurs 222 times in the Old Testament, meaning the center or inner part of anything.   When you listen to life-giving rebukes you put yourself in the center of wisdom. It’s important to notice it doesn’t say just “rebukes” it says “life-giving rebukes”.

Rebuke is another word for feedback.  Feedback, in this context, is any information you get about yourself.  Whether you realize it or not, you are constantly receiving feedback. You receive feedback from your boss on whether you are doing a good job or not.  You receive feedback from your spouse when their eyes light up when you walk in the room, or sometimes when they don’t. You receive feedback from your friends when they comment on your outfit.  Your body is constantly giving you feedback: your eyes are tired from looking at a computer screen, your ankle hurts because you twisted it, your body hurts from the work out you did yesterday.

All of these are forms of feedback.  What you have to decide is if it is life-giving or not?  Is it something that will help you do better or is it something that something that will ultimately cause you harm?

When I was single, I had a lot of feedback, from everyone. There wasn’t anyone I knew who didn’t have input into my dating life.  It took me awhile to figure it out, but I finally realized what feedback was best for me. It was from my married friends. Not just any of my married friends, it was the ones who had good marriages.  Marriages like I wanted one day for myself. I learned quickly to discard the rest and listen to the best. Their feedback was the most life-giving to me in that particular situation.

It is important to have feedback in your life.  Just make sure it’s life-giving and not life-taking.  Learn from the best, discard the rest.

Read Proverbs Chapter 14

“There is a way that seems right to a person, but its end is the way to death.” Proverbs 14:12

There are times in life when the hardest thing to know is what the right thing to do is. What appears to be right ends in death.

Dirk Willem lived in the 16th century. He was an anabaptist. Peaceful citizens who didn’t believe in war. Their descendants would become today’s Mennonites and Amish. The authorities at the time believed in infant baptism. Dirk Willem and his fellow anabaptists did not, they believed baptism was reserved for adulthood. As a result of their beliefs, they were persecuted and imprisoned.

Dirk was imprisoned in the Netherlands as a result of his convictions. Understanding he would be put to death for his belief, he escaped over the prison wall using strips of cloth tied together. Unbeknownst to him, his path of escape was over a frozen pond. The guard who pursued him fell through the ice in the middle of the chase. Dirk lived his life by the scriptures. He believed what is says in Luke 6:27:

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,”

When he saw the guard fall through the ice, he knew he had to help him. He turned back and rescued him. The guard would have let him go, but his commander was watching from the edge of the pond. He ordered him to take Dirk back into custody. On May 16, 1569 he was burned at the stake for his act of heroism.

What seemed right to him led to his death in the most literal sense of the word. Fortunately, we have the freedom to believe as we choose today. Still though, our choices can lead to death. How do we know if what we choose is right? Prayer and supplication is the best answer. Trusting God, and His word is always a right choice. Paul tells us in his letter to the Romans, all things work to the good for those who believe and trust in Him (Romans 8:28).

We will never know if Dirk regretted saving the life of the guard. What we do know is he loved his enemy and as a result met Jesus sooner than he had anticipated. Where Jesus is, there is life in abundance.

Read Proverbs Chapter 13.

“The one who guards his mouth protects his life; the who who opens his lips invites his own ruin.” Proverbs 13:3

In my family, I am known as “Mouth of the South”.  I have been accused of not being able to keep a secret.  I am sure there is truth in this statement. I like to get things out in the open. As we learned yesterday, I learned at a young age nothing stays hidden long, so why waste time trying to hide it?  But not everything needs to be said, not everything needs to be talked about.

I love what “guard” means in its original form: maintaining things entrusted to them, especially keeping the truths of God in both actions and mind. This is the filter God wants us to use.  Is what we’re saying and doing in line with God’s truth? These are the questions we should ask before we speak. And if you don’t, you invite ruin into your life.

I gained the reputation of “Mouth of the South” because I loved to tell on my brothers.  If they did something wrong, I couldn’t wait to spread the word. Until I realized the ruin it was bringing into my life, it ruined my relationship with my brothers. Would you want to be around someone who told all of your faults? After all, we all have them. I don’t want to be around someone who is going to tell mine, and they are plenty.  I love my brothers, so much. They are amazing men, all of them. Why would I want anyone to think less of them? My words and actions affected how others thought of them.

Gratefully, we grow up.  God doesn’t let us stay where we are.  What really changed my life was Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians when he told them to “encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thess. 5:11).  As I studied this verse and began to apply it to my life, all of my relationships began to improve. It has become an easy filter to use. I simply ask myself, does this build up or tear down?  If it builds up, I say it. If it tears down, I don’t. I’d love to say I’ve mastered this, but that would be a lie. I can say, I’ve come a long way from where I used to be in the department of keeping my mouth shut.

Are you ruining a relationship with your life because you’re tearing down instead of building up?  Especially with those closest to us, they are the ones who usually reap the benefits of our words, whether positive or negative.  Mark Batterson, pastor of National Community Church, says it like this, “I want to be respected most by those who know me best.” That is a hard goal to achieve if your mouth is causing ruin.  But if if you determine to build up instead of tear down, you’ll find those who know you best respect you most.

Read Proverbs Chapter 12.

“Anxiety in a person’s heart weighs it down, but a good word cheers it up.” Proverbs 12:25

Anxiety, in the original, means “apprehension because of approaching trouble.”  The primitive root of the word “down” in this verse is “to depress”. Anxiety depresses.  Worrying about things to come depresses, but a good word cheers it up. That’s all it takes, is a good word.  Let’s break it down a bit.

Apprehension because of approaching trouble.  Why is it we spend so much time worrying about the future?  Because that’s what you’re doing when you’re anxious. And we all do it.  Everyone one of us. What we are anxious about may be different, but if we’re completely honest, we’re all anxious about something.

I’m anxious about people critiquing my writing.  I’m anxious about my health, about my husband’s health.  I’m anxious about retirement. I’m anxious about growing older.  All things that if I let my mind dwell on too long will depress me.  All things that will rob my joy. I also realize it’s a blessing that these are the things I’m anxious about.  I realize there are a lot of people who have a lot more serious things to be anxious about. I am not making light of anxiety, not by a long shot.

Anxiety robs us of our joy, but a good word cheers it up.

If we agree that everyone has some type of anxiety, can we agree that everyone needs a good word?  Everyone you meet needs encouragement, no matter who they are. You may not be able to see their anxiety.  Their life may not reflect anxiety in anyway, but it is there. It is part of the human condition. We actually weren’t meant to live without it.  It is what causes us to search for God, for the One who has the answer to it. Anxiety is what will make us get on our knees and seek God for answers.  And in this case, His answer is a good word. A good word will cheer up anxiety.

As we learned yesterday, you get what you give.  So if you need a good word today, if you’re struggling with anxiety, then give a good word.  God promises, you’ll get one back.

Read Proverbs Chapter 11.

“One person gives freely, yet gains more, another withholds what is right, only to become poor.”  Proverbs 11:24 CSB

This is an interesting verse.  The word “right” in its original form means to equate.  It basically means you get what you deserve. It’s always the people who give a lot that get a lot.  And if you’re not honest, eventually it will catch up with you. I learned this lesson quickly in life.

I spent the first 12 years of my life in Tidal, PA.  It is a village, literally says it on the sign. One of the most beautiful places on earth in my opinion.  It’s nestled in the hills of Pennsylvania. Beautiful country homes, immaculately taken care of by their owners.  Everyone knows everyone. Most are related one way or another. It isn’t a village, it’s a family. That’s where I spent the first part of my life and it’s footprints are embedded in my soul.

You know one of the reasons why?  It’s where I learned to be honest.

Living in Tidal you couldn’t lie.  Not only does everyone know everyone, everyone knows everything.  Which is a huge blessing. It’s how they care for each other so well.  It took me a long time to realize how special it really is. I always joke, when I talk about Tidal, that if you walk out your back door three times, the neighbor was coming to find out what was wrong.  You definitely don’t get away with anything in Tidal, because it always comes out. Sooner or later the truth always comes out.

Here’s what I’ve learned since I left Tidal.  It doesn’t matter if you’re in Tidal or any other part of the world, the truth always comes out.  Usually in the oddest ways. Ways of which you would never think. What goes around really does come around, withhold right, only to become poor.

When I was a flight attendant a gentleman was on the plane with his wife.  I found his wallet in the seat after they had deplaned. When I took it to customer service, I can’t remember all of the details, but they found out it wasn’t his wife he was travelling with that day.  They found out, because in the process of getting his wallet back to him, they inadvertently told his wife. I bet he never thought his wife would find out about his affair because he lost his wallet.

Withold right, only to become poor.

Read Proverbs Chapter 10.

“When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is prudent.”  Proverbs 10:19.

Today is my very first best friend’s birthday.  Her name is Lori, I’ve known her all my life, she is a part of this group.  She is the first person who ever asked me to sleep over at her house. I don’t even know if we were in school yet when this happened, probably.  I was so excited when she called to ask, I hung up the phone on her. She called me back and told me I wasn’t supposed to hang up the phone. One of my favorite memories.

She is a woman of not many words. I have always been amazed at how smart she is.  She always had better grades than me in school, things seemed to come easier to her.  She doesn’t let her mouth get her into trouble like I do. She is much better at controlling her lips.

I am learning though.  I’ve finally learned you can’t get into trouble with what you don’t say.  If it’s something that needs to be said, God will give you another chance to say it.  But if you’re not sure, it’s best not to say anything at all. Even a fool seems wise when they keep their mouth shut (Proverbs 17:28).  There are times, the only way I can control my lips is to physically put my hand over my mouth to keep myself from speaking.

This is incredibly effective in an argument, when emotions are running high and words just come spilling out of your mouth.  I’ve learned to walk away until I cool down enough to be able to control my lips. Until I can say things that are uplifting and encouraging, instead of tearing the person down (1 Thess. 5:11).  Usually it’s those closest to us that arouse the kind of anger which can get us into trouble with our words. Once the words are out, you can’t take them back. But if you learn ways to keep them in before they escape, you will be much more prudent.  You will save yourself from trouble.

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Read Proverbs Chapter 9.

“For by me your days will be many, and years will be added to your life.” Proverbs 9:11 CSB

Days, in this context means span of life. As we gain wisdom and apply it to our lives, it extends our days, or the span of our life.  

How?

I can speak only from my own life. I know as I’ve increased my wisdom, I make better decisions which allows me to have a healthier life.  For instance, we talked about not securing someone else’s debt which has helped me make wiser financial decisions (Proverbs 6:1-2). We talked about considering our paths which has helped me be more intentional about what goes on my calendar  (Proverbs 4:26). We talked about not being seduced which has helped me keep temptation out of my kitchen pantry (Proverbs 7:22).

When Solomon became King, God told him He would give him anything he wanted (1 Kings 3: 5-14).  Solomon asked for wisdom. God was so pleased with this request because he, “did not ask for long life or riches for yourself, or the death of your enemies, but you asked discernment for yourself to administer justice,” (1 Kings 3:11). God was so pleased, He gave Solomon the things he didn’t ask for: long life and riches.

Get wisdom first, the rest will follow.

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Reach Proverb Chapter 8.

Listen to instruction and be wise; don’t ignore it.”  Proverbs 8:33 CSB

A few years back, my husband and I bought a cheap metal shed.  We wondered why it was such a good price. As soon as we started putting it together, we quickly realized why: it had a myriad of parts to it which required hours and hours of work to put it together.  In fact, we couldn’t do it ourselves, we had to have friends come and help us.

We realized quickly as we began the project, we couldn’t do it without the instructions.  We had to follow them step by step in order to put the shed together correctly. I had all of the pieces set out in order of the steps, trying to make the process easier.  It was a thankless job, that required much patience and perseverance. Even with help it took two days to complete.

What if we had listened to instruction?  What if we had asked people who had experience with sheds for their input before we bought the cheapest one? We would of been wiser. Maybe we would have spent a little more money, but it would have been worth it for the time and energy it saved us.  But we didn’t do that, we ignored instruction and did it the hard way. We weren’t wise.

The book of Proverbs is an instruction manual for us.  There are so many valuable insights into living life, some of which we’ve already talked about.  Why not read the instruction manual before you try to do it alone? Why not become wiser in your living, allowing you to avoid some potential danger zones?  Even if it helps you avoid just one heart ache, isn’t it worth it?

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