Honest Reflections

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. ” Psalm 37:4 ESV

I should be studying. Let me tell you that upfront. I have 10 chapters to read and a Discussion Post to write. Granted these are personal goals, not necessarily the school’s goal. Classes start tomorrow and I don’t have anything officially due until next Saturday. However, because it is ALL new to me, it is taking me twice as long to get the work done. I have to learn the system as well as do the work. It’s exhausting to say the least.’

So here I sit, writing a blog when I should be studying. It’s such a good one though I just had to share.

I’ve been dealing with some pretty difficult heart issues over the last couple of months. God has really been doing work in me as I work through it. I’ve never felt closer to Him than I do now. It literally is overwhelming. In order for Him to do this work in me though, I’ve had to be very intentional about keeping my eyes on Him. There has been so much going on around me to distract me. It’s very easy to lose focus.

This morning as I was getting ready for church, the Lord reminded me of when He first taught me this lesson. I was somewhere in my early 20’s. I had flunked out of school twice in Pennsylvania. My family was giving me one last shot before they were done with me. I moved to Virginia. Lived with my brother and enrolled in school here. Third charm wasn’t the charm for me, but I did manage to finally graduate. Eventually!

I worked at a local hotel to support my efforts at school. I met a guy there and fell madly in love. MADLY! Took me years to get over him when it was all said and done. What I thought was going on between us and what he thought was going on between us were two totally different things. My heart was broken. I found out he was in love with one of the other girls. A friend of mine I worked with as well. AND we still had to work together. I needed the job. It was how I was getting health benefits at the time.

It was then, God taught me to not worry about what is in your peripheral vision. Only worry about what is in front of you. You don’t need to know everything. Every time my mind wandered into thoughts of what they were doing, I’d remind myself. “They’re not in front you. God isn’t asking you to deal with them. It’s none of your business.”

I preached that too myself for years. I’m still preaching it to myself. I’ve gotten a lot better at it after 25 plus years of practicing.

Yesterday, I drove a friend around Williamsburg, sharing my life there with her. Even introduced her to Cody. The hotel where I learned this lesson, it happened to be the first thing I told her about yesterday. I learned a lot working there! I’m still using it!

“I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. ” Philippians 3:12 CEV

2018 proved to be a more challenging year than expected. Losses of loved ones unexpectedly. Being faced with the evil which exists in this world early in February through the tragic murder of an amazing man of God whom we had the privilege to know and love. Diagnoses of cancer in friends and family. Job loss. It took a toll on my heart.

With each event was a new challenge to find God in it. To seek Him first and foremost. There were days it was very hard to take my eyes off of the circumstances around me and place them on Jesus. There were days the only way I achieved it were by the people who led me there. When Mike woke up after being shot five times and losing his son, he asked for his Bible. He helped me look to Jesus in the face of tragedy. When Jill thanked God for His perfect timing in finding the spot that saved her life, she led me to Jesus. When Uncle Earl checks in each week at his church in Texas it leads me to Jesus. When Leslie tells me of her God moment in the midst of her cancer diagnosis it led me to Jesus.

I’ve tried hard to keep my eyes on Jesus this year. There are times I faltered, even fell. But always, He forgave me. Always, He lifted me up. Always, He kept me going.

It is hard to put into words the experience I just had at Bayside Community Church (https://mybayside.church/) in Bradenton, Florida. I left there so overwhelmed with God’s Spirit I wept. I’ve never experienced anything like it before in my life.

I felt God’s presence the moment we walked through the door. The smiling faces at the door. David, who spotted us as guests and introduced himself. The worship with songs I’d never sung but spoke directly to my heart. The message which gave me new perspective on the Christmas story. A perspective I so desperately needed to hear.

I heard God whisper to me, I’ve been with you the whole time. I have never left you. You are meant to be here. You are meant to hear this message.

He taught us how to be wise in 2019:

1. Seek Jesus
2. Worship Jesus
3. Bring your best for Jesus
4. Represent Jesus

I have a renewed passion to represent Jesus well. I asked God for forgiveness for the times I’ve failed to do that one thing. For the times I made it about me instead of about Him. I vowed to do better in 2019 than I did in 2018.

More than anything, He confirmed I’m on the right path. I’m heading in the direction He wants me to go. I felt it so clearly in my spirit like never before.

I don’t know what challenges lie ahead for me in 2019, but I know I won’t face them alone. I know, He is with me!

“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under the heavens.” Eccl. 3:1  (NLT)

I have so many ideas swirling around in my mind, I don’t know which one to work on first.  As I started praying about what to do, I started thinking about all of the ways I’ve heard God tell me to slow down over the years.  I never listened.

Now I’m trying to listen more.  I’m trying to trust more.  I do have enough time to do everything God wants me to do here on earth.  I may not have enough time to do all I want to do.  I will have time to do everything God wants me to do.

Deciphering what God wants me to do is what can be tricky.  The constant battle going on between what I want versus what God wants is a real tension.  Knowing I should be praying for the person who hurt me.  Knowing I should forgive the offense.  Knowing I’m to live my life in moderation.  Knowing my ultimate job here on earth is to love God with all my heart, mind, body and soul  AND love others as myself. (Mark 12:30-31)  Knowing I should do all of those things. but doing them is a constant battle.

I don’t want to pray for my enemies.  I don’t want to forgive their offense.  I don’t want to live my life in moderation.  I want to eat the whole pie!  And there are times I don’t want to love God.  There are times I don’t want to love others.

There are times I don’t want to pace myself.  I don’t want to make a plan.  But that is exactly what God is calling me to do.  Pace myself.  It’s a challenge I battle constantly.  That’s why I found this verse today.  To remind myself there is time.  It doesn’t all have to be done today.  

What a novel concept for someone like me.  

“Where you go, I will go.  Where you stay, I will stay.”  Ruth 1:16

One of my all time favorite verses.  It’s in the book of Ruth, probably my favorite book of the Bible.  Ruth is speaking to Naomi.

A few years ago I did a study on the book of Ruth.  We, a group of women from all different church’s, read through the book together.  We did a chapter a week, then would get together for coffee to discuss.  My dear friend Marie, who I met then, gave me a small plaque with this verse on it.  It sits on my desk.  I see it every morning.  It always makes me smile.

Why I love this verse?  Naomi, Ruth’s mom-in-law, has lost everything.  Her husband, her two sons have all died.  Ruth has lost a husband.  She has left her family.  She is determined to follow Naomi, who has changed her name to Mara “because the Almighty has made life very bitter for me” (Ruth 1:20b NLT).  Ruth is choosing the harder path if she goes with Naomi.  She knows she will be the foreigner in a foreign land.  Yet these are her words.

I love her loyalty.  I have rarely witnessed this type of loyalty in my short life here on earth.  It is a beautiful reflection of my relationship with God, as hard as it may be sometimes.  To go where He takes me,  to stay where He stays. 

Ruth wasn’t following Naomi, she was following God in Naomi.  Naomi, in the midst of her despair clings to God.  When she says the “Almighty has made my life bitter”, she’s still acknowledging His presence in her life.  God is still a part of her life.  It is God in Naomi.  That is who Ruth is following.  

Not only is Naomi leading Ruth to God.  She’s discipling her as well.  She is literally “showing her the way” to follow God.  She wasn’t preaching her faith, she was living her faith.  One of my favorite quotes is by St. Francis of Assisi:

 “Preach the Gospel at all times. When necessary, use words.”

Naomi was living this quote long before it had ever been spoken.  She lived it so well Ruth was willing to give up everyone, everything she knew and follow her.  Wow!  Through all of her pain, all of her sorrow, Naomi never took her eyes off of God.  As a result neither did Ruth.  As a result, Ruth was introduced into the lineage of Christ:

^“Salmon the father of Boaz, whose mother was Rahab, Boaz the father of Obed, whose mother was Ruth, Obed the father of Jesse,”  Matthew 1:5

Lord, what could happen if I lived my life like Naomi?  If my actions spoke of Your love for us more than my words.  I can’t even imagine Lord.  I’ve got a long way to go.  I am willing to try.  Let the journey begin!

“The moment you began praying, a command was given.”  Daniel 9:23a
This was in my Bible reading today.  Daniel is praying for his people.  He was praying and confessing his sin, as well as the sin of the people.  That’s when Gabriel, whom I like to think of as Gabe, showed up with this message.  As I read it, it struck me at how utterly amazing it is to think about.

The minute Daniel started praying a command was given.  What if the minute I start praying, the command is given?

The minute I pray and confess to God my sins the command is given to be forgiven.  The minute I ask God for help, a command is given.  When I cry to Him for direction, a command is given.  He already has a plan, He’s just waiting for me to turn to Him.  When I do, a command is given.

I’ve been praying for years for about a dream God gave me a long time ago.  I’ve always dreamed of writing more than anything else in my life.  I really didn’t dream about the husband, not like I dreamed about writing.  Over the last few years and months God has opened doors which have given me the opportunity to write.  Recently, He opened up an entire new door for me to go back for my Masters and learn to write better.  To be able to write more.  It’s a dream come true for me.

All of those little prayers I prayed over the years had commands attached to them.  Commands which have directed me to this new journey.  My life, by times can fill like a pinball machine.  I’m the ball getting pinged from one thing to the next.  I used to take more time to try and understand why my life has taken an unexpected turn.  I’ve learned, as I’ve grown older, the majority of things which happen here on earth, I will never get the answers I’m trying to find.  Every now and then I do, but for the most part, there are no answers.

As a result,  I’ve surrendered.  I’ve just given my life to God.  Each morning I confess my sins.  I thank Him for all He’s done.  Sometimes I spend all morning praising Him.  Other times I might have a bone to pick with Him about something I don’t agree with Him about.  He always wins those conversations.  There are times where I just sit with Him and cry because my heart hurts so much.  Always, always at the end of our chats, I get on my knees and say, “I’m yours.  Do with me as You will.”

I’m tired of fighting.  I’m tired of trying to make life about what I want.  My way is definitely not the right way.  But His is.  He’s the commander.  When I start the prayer, He starts the command!

“There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24

Over the summer, my husband and I did a couples study called “Five Dates” by Mike and Jennifer Foster.  It was phenomenal for our marriage.  Recommended to us by our lead pastor’s wife.  Very little work involved for my husband or I.  It took about 10 minutes to read through some information individually.  Then you would go on a date and answer a few seemingly insignificant questions together.  We had the best conversations from these “dates” we’ve ever had.  It was and is amazing how it has impacted our marriage.

For instance, one date the objective was to learn more about each other’s past.  When you’ve been alive 49 years, only married six of them, there is a lot of past behind you to share.  The question which started the whole thing went something like, “Name two events growing up that impacted your life?”

My husband’s were both sports related.  Mine revolved around my Dad’s death when I was 16.  This conversation evolved from there to my husband telling me I had a chip on my shoulder.  He said it was unfair of me to think because he hadn’t gone through what I had he couldn’t understand my pain.  Also, and more importantly, it did not make me queen of suffering.  Other people suffer too.  It may not be the same way I have suffered, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t suffering.

It’s easy to assign points to suffering.  We do it based on our own life experience.  My Dad dying versus running the wrong way up the field in a football game.  Obviously, my Dad dying gets a 10, where his is a 2 if I was using a scale from 1-10.  10 obviously being hardest to go through, 1 being easiest.  That was his point.  It’s not up to us to determine who has suffered more or less.  We don’t actually know.  We have no idea how much someone has suffered and we shouldn’t assume we do.

This was not the most amicable conversation my husband and I ever had.  It took days for us to work through this together.  It was a very hard truth for me to learn about myself.  Definitely not something to be proud of having done to someone.  Especially if that someone was my husband who I love more than anyone else in the world.
My husband illuminated a blind spot in my life for me that evening.  We all have them in our lives.  Areas that are blatantly obvious to someone else but we can’t see at all.  In my car, I actually have “Blind Spot Monitors” on my mirrors.  It starts blinking when someone is beside me in the one particular spot where I can’t see them if I look in the mirror.  A blind spot.

I depend on my Blind Spot Monitors (BSM) so much, a couple of weeks ago I didn’t realize it had been accidentally turned off.  I was on I-64 in rush hour traffic.  I checked my mirrors, didn’t see the BSM going off and started to move into the next lane, right in front of a jeep I couldn’t see in my mirror.  Gratefully it was being driven by a young guy with quick reflexes who maneuvered around me.   That incident made me realize my BSM’s were off AND how much I had come to depend on them.

The conversation with my husband was a BSM going off in my life.  He was alerting me to something I couldn’t see in myself.  I needed someone to tell me what I can not see.  I needed them to do it in love.  No one has spoken truth in love into my life as well as my husband has.  He has helped me see things about myself I just could not see.
Before him, it was my friends who helped me identify my blind spots.  They were and still are active BSM’s in my life.  I depend on them to help me see what I cannot see.  I depend on them to keep me in the right lane.  To help me keep my path straight.  I can’t do life without them.  I am heavily dependent on them.

Everyone needs BSM’s in their lives. They need to be someone who loves you.  Who is looking out for what is best for you.  Who can see things you can’t see.  People you trust and love.  I developed mine in my life.  My BSM’s at this point are all people I’ve known for 10 years or longer, with the exception of my husband.  Trust me when I say, all of my BSM’s approved of him when we met.  I’m thankful they steered me towards him.   They could see how perfect he was for me, even before I did.
There are friends who stick closer than a brother.  You know exactly who they are.  If you don’t have BSM’s in your life, you know where to start.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.”  Psalm 32:8

God recently changed the direction of my life, very unexpectedly.  Clearly an answer to a prayer, I’d been praying for months about the situation.  His direction change wasn’t what I thought.  Gut punch is the best description of the event.

I’ve lived life with God long enough, I know when He does things like this there is a definite purpose.  I know He wants me in a new direction, even if I don’t know which way it is.  It might hurt for awhile.  My heart has some areas it needs to heal in, but I know through all of it He has a plan.  It is a good plan.  And I want to be where He wants me to be.  Always.

Life with God is so much better than life any other way.

I am embracing it completely.  I admit, I was shocked at first.  It knocked me to my knees and took my breath away.  I didn’t get right back up, in fact, I’m still in the process of getting back on my feet.  One thing is for sure, I am loving this journey He has me on completely.

The emotions I’ve worked through over the past few weeks. The lessons He has taught me, it’s amazing.  The conversations I’ve had I would never have had any way else.  They have been so rich, so deep, so full of life.  The messages I’ve heard as a result of this have been particularly interesting.  I’m looking so closely for where God is leading me it’s been invigorating.  I mean it is on the edge of your seat kind of stuff.

I can’t talk about  where I think I’m heading.  Not yet. There hasn’t been enough time.  I’m not completely sure it’s what He wants.  The first thing He has instructed me to do is slow down.  I have learned slowing down doesn’t mean what I thought it meant.

Slowing down simply means taking the time to enjoy life.  Smelling the roses.  Reading the book.  Taking the walk.  All things we do for ourselves, but also for our relationship with God.  When I do these things, I’m trusting not everything has to be done today.  I’m learning I don’t have to be the one who does everything. I’m deepening my trust in Him as I wait for His leading.  I’ve learned I’m actually doing others a disservice when I’m doing all the work.  I’m not giving them the opportunity to learn and grow.

I’m having so much fun learning these lessons I can’t even put it into words.

I just started a new book this morning.  Lisa Harper’s “Overxtended…and loving most of it!”  The title of this book is exactly how I would describe how I feel most days.  Overxtended…and loving most of it!  I’m a chapter in and I have found a new life motto:

“You know, I think this is what we’re supposed to look like when we stand before Jesus.  I don’t think we’re supposed to show up in glory with time to spare,  a fresh manicure, and perfect hair.  I think if we’re really living the gospel, we’re going to fall at His feet exhausted and messy, with mismatched socks, just plum worn out from loving people as hard as we can!”

Oh my gosh, I want to be that woman.  I want to fall at Jesus feet with mismatched Crocs on my feet, hair going wild, no make-up and a few pounds over weight.  Being perfect is not for me.  I just heard about this “illness” in elderly women who are striving all of the time to be a size 0.  The amount of stress you put on your body to do that as you age causes severe health issues.  I do not, in anyway want to be that!  Women naturally gain weight as they get older.  Their bellies aren’t so flat anymore.  Their hips widen.  It’s the way God created us.  Embrace it.  I don’t want to be something God didn’t create me to be.

I do however want to be healthy.  I love when I go to the Dr. for my yearly physical and she tells me my blood work is better than last year.  I love being able to run all day long from one thing to the next.  I love playing tennis and walking dogs.  I am grateful for the good health the Lord has blessed me with, but I also need to take care of it.
Therefore I try to stay healthy.  I do not try to be a size 0.  Still takes work.

Lord, thank You for the epiphany.  Can’t wait to see what You’re going to teach me next!

 ^“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”  Matthew 18:20
Reminiscing about my hometown of Tidal, PA tonight.  Particularly the women of Tidal.  Specifically, my Mom and her friends.  Which, when you live in a village the size of Tidal, everyone is your friend.  I was watching a documentary on Serena Williams.  She talked about how where you’re from makes you who you are.  I am so glad I’m from Tidal.  I have learned more from my friends in that village than I have anywhere else in the world.  So grateful for them.
I started thinking about them because I was helping a friend clean her house after a hectic holiday weekend.  We hadn’t seen each other in a week.  It was a fun way to catch up.   As I was cleaning I started thinking how many times I had seen friendship modeled for me this way.
I think of Neet taking me into her house after I fell and scraped my knee running to catch the school bus.  Helping my Mom make sure I got to school on time.  I think of everyone gathering together to can food for the winter or make apple butter at the church.  I think of Mary rallying the troops to help give my Mom the most amazing birthday.  It had been over 30 years since our family lived there.  I have never seen a better spread than the one the women of Tidal prepared for my Mom that day.
As I reflected on this from a mid-life perspective I began to understand how incredibly special this is.  It’s not something you find just anywhere.  People don’t help people like that anymore.  I barely know my neighbors.  I have met and do know all of their names.  However our schedules are so different, I rarely see them.  None of them come and borrow a cup of sugar.   It’s just not the same.  It’s not bad, it’s just different.
The Tidal women, they are all still a part of my life.  Mary and her husband bought my childhood home.  Just a couple of years ago she sent me the writings I did on the walls of the attic.  My favorite retreat.  Neet still lives in the house beside her at the bottom of the hill, across from Vivian.  Charlotte’s grand daughter now lives in her house.  They have never stopped being my friend.  They never let distance get in the way.  If I need them, I know they are there.
I shared this with my friend tonight.  She made the comment, “It feels good to accomplish something together.”  I immediately agreed, then realized it’s how we accomplish anything, together.  That’s how we accomplish life, together.
We were never meant to do this life alone.  God always intended for us to do it together.  The key is paying attention to who needs help.  People are not going to ask.  Pride gets in the way.  I’m guilty of this myself.  I explained to my friend tonight about the beauty of living in Tidal.  Because it’s so small.  Because everyone knows everyone.  No one needs to ask for help.  They know because they see it.
They saw it when my Dad was taken to the hospital and my Mom needed someone to take care of the kids.  They saw it when my sister battled cancer and needed someone to sit with her at chemo.  They saw it when my Dad died and my Mom lost the love of her life.  They saw it.  They knew we needed help then.  No one had to tell them.
In my life today, people don’t see it.  I don’t know if it’s because they are too busy.  I don’t know if it’s because we live in such a densely populated area it’s easy to hide.  I don’t know why.  Probably because it’s hard to ask for help.  But if there is one thing I’ve learned in my 49 years of life, everyone needs help.  It’s just a matter of finding out what kind of help they need.
I learned that from the women of Tidal.  Women, I’m grateful to call my role models.

“Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. ” Colossians 3:2
Been doing a lot of thinking about perspective.  How we are all on a journey.  Each of our journey’s are unique.  Each has it’s own perspective.  What I’ve realized over the last couple of weeks is our perspective depends on how we are traveling.  How fast or slow we are going.
For instance, we spent the weekend in Texas.  We traveled over 800 miles in car.  We flew even further in the plane which took us there.  When we were on our way home, we had a tailwind.  The captain told us we were traveling at 600 miles per hour.  When we were driving in the car we averaged 75 miles per hour (which by the way is the speed limit in Texas).  Compare those to the 3 mile per hour stroll we took after dinner Friday night and you have three different perspectives.
Flying at 600 mph at 30,000 feet I didn’t see much.  It was dark, on occasion we could see sprinkles of lights on the earth.  Driving at 75 mph I saw so much more.  I saw the cattle grazing by the side of the road.  I saw them so well I was able to identify different types of breeds.  I saw Texas Longhorns for the first time.  I saw Black Angus and Red Angus cattle.  I could see oil wells and wind mills.  I saw so much more detail at 75 mph than I did at 600 mph.
When we strolled along the River Walk in San Antonio after dinner at barely 3 mph I saw even more.  I saw couples enjoying an evening meal together.  I could hear their laughter and the low murmur of conversation swirling around me.  I saw the ripples in the water as it flowed past me.  I saw the muddy brown caused by the recent rain.  I could smell the different aromas coming from the restaurants.  I saw the vivid colors of the shimmering lights.  Walking at 3 mph was like looking through a microscope compared to flying at 600 mph.
The slower we go, the more we notice.  The better our perspective becomes.  The more clearer our paths are ahead of us.  We rush through life so quickly it’s like we’re flying at 600 mph all of the time.  We don’t notice the people around us, the scenery, the smells.  We are so focused on our “agendas” we miss what is right in front of us.
Lately, God has been speaking to me.  I didn’t realize until today what He has been saying.  In fact, as I’ve written this blog I’ve gained clarity.  I’ve listened to so many messages lately on purpose.  I’ve been so focused on what I’m supposed to be doing I’ve missed what God is saying.  His message to me is simple, yet so hard for me to do:
“Slow down”
God wants me to slow down.  He wants me to stop flying at 600 mph and start strolling at 3.  Not everything has to be done today.  Not everything has to be done tomorrow.  When God tells us in John 10:10 Jesus came so we can have life and have it to the fullest, He meant it.
If we’re going too fast we’ll miss it.  We’ll miss the beauty of the falling leaves as they meander their way to the earth.  We’ll miss the vibrant colors of life all around us.  We’ll miss the warm smile of a stranger because we’re going to fast to notice.  We’ll miss the peace of a fall afternoon or the feel of the gentle breeze as it passes over us.  If we’re going to fast we’ll miss spending time with the ones we love.
I’ve been going too fast.  I’ve missed some things I will never get back.  God has been trying to tell me to slow down, but I haven’t been listening.  I’m grateful He hasn’t given up on me as I’ve been zooming through my days.  Instead, He created an opportunity for me to slow down.  Through it, He has shown me all I’ve been missing.  He’s been trying to tell me I don’t have to do it all.  I just have to do what He calls me to do.  Right now, what He is calling me to do is slow down.
God will give me enough time to do everything He has intended for me to do.  If I don’t slow down, I might miss it.  I won’t hear His still small voice directing my path if I’m going too fast.  I won’t see the signs He’s giving me if I fly right by them.  I won’t be able to follow His lead if I’m too busy following mine.  I had no idea how fast I’ve been going until God slowed me down.   When He did, He changed my perspective.
How fast have you been going lately?  Are you flying at 600 mph, driving at 75 or strolling at 3?  Maybe I’m not the only one God is telling to slow down.  If you’re going too fast, you won’t get the message.   I know I didn’t.