Honest Reflections

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.  Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:  “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. ” Proverbs 31:25-30
I just had a revelation about one of the blessings of growing older.   I’m always having conversations how growing old sucks.  I’m trying to find the good in growing old. God just showed me some good. You appreciate the people who went before you more.  People who set an example for you.  Who looked out for you and protected you.  People you could trust had your best interest at heart, always.  You just didn’t realize it.
God just showed me my Mom was one of those people.  Even more than I thought.
I was eating my sweet potato for lunch, thinking how hard it is to lose weight.  The older I get, the harder it is.  My mind wondered to my Mom.  I started thinking of her at my age.  How active she was.  How she went to Weight Watchers.  Always counting calories, always trying.  I never understood until now how hard she worked.  I took it for granted.
I understand more now than ever because I’m facing the same challenges.  I now understand when she was doing the Special K diets of her generation,  how hard that was for her.  That’s because it’s so much harder losing weight at my age than it has ever been before for me.  She learned this lesson first.  She set a good example for me in how to handle it.  I am grateful she thought of me even then.
I also now understand how hard loss of loved ones is like I never have before.  By the time I was born my Mom had already experienced the loss of her Dad and 2 of her siblings.  A third sibling died while I was a child, Uncle Jim.  I didn’t know that man long, but in the few years I did he left a lasting impression on me.  He was amazing.  I can’t imagine how hard that loss was for my Mom. She lost her Mom shortly after Uncle Jim.  I watched her lose my Dad, the love of her life.   She never  took her wedding rings off the rest of her life.  She lived longer without him than she did with him.  They were married 19 years, she lived 24 years widowed.
I never understood how hard it was, until I experienced the loss of loved ones so deep it cut me to the core.  Now I do.  I’ve lost that deeply now.  I’ve felt that pain.  Not all of it, thank God, but some of it.  Just knowing what I know, without having to face everything she had to face, makes me appreciate her so much more.  I’m praying God doesn’t ask me to face the other things anytime soon.
My Mom always said, “Actions speak louder than words.” I see now, that she knew one day I would experience such pain.  She wanted me to know what to do.  She was setting an example for me.  She wanted me to know, just keep going.  Trust God, do what’s right, keep going.
I do Mom.  I trust God I’ll see you again.  I am trying my best to do what’s right.  Most of all, I’m still going.
 

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” Psalm 18:19
One thing I have never claimed to be is a great theologian.  Definitely not.  I am, however, a woman who loves the Lord passionately.  I am still learning how much He loves me.  It’s amazing.
He bought me a hot tub!  Well, my husband actually bought it for me.  God however gave us the means to buy it.  Hence, God bought me a hot tub.
It’s the why which is what amazes me.  It’s not because we’re trying to keep up with the Jones’s.  It’s because I couldn’t walk.  Literally.  For the past year, by the end of the day, I am limping in pain.  I’ve been praying diligently I wouldn’t rupture my achilles.  I’ve started doing yoga three times a week.  I stopped playing tennis.
It’s been bad.  Worse than I realized.  Do you know how I know that?  Because Ron bought me a hot tub so I wouldn’t be in pain anymore.  No lie.
We went on vacation this summer for a week.  The house we rented had a hot tub in it.  I was doing a certification for tennis.  We were on the court from 9:00 in the morning until 6:00 in the evening.  Taught by a 74 year old  Serbian who had just run his 43rd consecutive Boston Marathon.  He didn’t know the meaning of the phrase, “water break”.
My tennis partner suggested we get in the hot tub at the end of that first long day.  So we did.  As well as the next day and the next day and the next day.  Every day but one while we were on vacation I got in the hot tub.
I would put my achilles up against the jet and let it massage the pain away.  It was amazing.  By the end of the week, for the first time in over a year, I was walking pain free.  I couldn’t believe it.  It felt so good.
We came home from vacation on Sunday.  Three days later, on Wednesday, Ron bought me a hot tub.   I told him I wanted to start thinking about getting one.  I never thought we would get it so soon.  I just wanted to go look.  There were no intentions of  buying one at all on my part.   Not Ron, he asked me which one I wanted and bought it.
Ron bought me a hot tub so I wouldn’t be in pain anymore.  I have never felt so loved before in my life.  By Ron, but also by God.  It’s answer to prayer for me.  I’ve been praying for over a year for my achilles to be healed.  I only have one job where I sit.  All my other jobs, I’m on my feet.  I’ve been asking God that I’ll be ready when he calls.  Physically as well as spiritually.  If someone needs help moving, I want to be able to do it.  Here’s some examples:

• I love mowing my father-in-laws property for him.  It serves him.  It serves my husband.  Love being able to take that off their plate.
• I love going golfing with my brother.  It’s a way we connect like we never have before in all our years.
• I love being able to work alongside my husband physically.  Whether it is unloading pavers, holding up beams or shoveling gravel.  It’s my favorite way to help him.
• I love teaching tennis to kids who otherwise may never have learned to play.

It is all answer to prayer.  From God giving me an amazing husband to taking delight in me by giving me a hot tub.  I prayed for years and years for Ron.  I prayed for over a year to be healed from pain.  I don’t know why one happened sooner than the other, but neither of them happened overnight.
I saw a sign this past weekend.  The words were so true:
“I still remember the days when I prayed for all the things I have now.”
It’s true.  I really do!
 

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;^[  his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  Lamentations 3:22-23
God has a way of taking my breath away like no one else.  We are camping in Bedford, PA this weekend.  A gem of a campground we found last year called Merritt Pond.  It’s nestled in a valley, a man made duck pond.  Run by a family.
The owner is very precious to me, although I don’t know her well.  She drives around on her golf cart, taking care of her campers.  When I met her last year she had just lost her father.  He used to help her run it.  They were out working on the property, fixing water lines.  He was finishing up a job, told her to go on to the next one.  She did.  He never came.  When she went back looking for him, she found he had gone to be with Jesus.  He had had a heart attack and was gone, just like that.
I have never forgotten her story.
This morning, when I walked out of our camper, it took my breath away. The picture I’m posting with this doesn’t do it justice.  The peace and tranquility as I gazed out over the foggy pond went directly to my heart.  I was instantly reminded of the scripture above.  I felt God’s presence surrounding me.  I’m so grateful His mercies are new every day.
I was born and raised in PA.  Even though I’ve lived longer in VA, PA is and always will be my home.  When I come to this area, when I hear the PA accents I instantly feel safe.
It is in PA where I learned community.  You always hear “it takes a village”.  It does.  I was born in the village of Tidal.  I’m spending this weekend with lifelong friends from there.  They are friends that live over seven hours from us, yet when my brother’s son died they were there.  When my Mom died, they were there.  They were also there for the weddings, the birthdays and the celebrations.  It takes a village that shows up, no matter where you’re from or how big it is.  The key is showing up.
God’s mercy is new every morning because He shows up every morning.  More than anything in the world, that is what He wants us to do.  Show up.  Show up and meet with Him.  Show up and meet with others.  We don’t have to have the perfect words, perfect actions or perfect whatever.  All we have to do is show up.
I have dear friends who tragically lost their son in February.  In the seven months since, I have consistently heard my friend say, “Just show up.”.  That is all he wants for his village to do.  Show up for him.  Be there for them to help get through the tough days.  Be there for them as they adjust to this new normal in their lives.  Just show up.
I’m studying Job.  I’ve found that as I go deeper into ministry I encounter suffering here on this earth like I had never imagined.  I’m searching for answers to the question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” I get asked it so often.
I don’t have the answer to that question.  I have found what you do though, when it does.  You show up.
That’s what Job’s friends did for him when he lost everything.  They showed up.  For a week, they all just sat in silence, not speaking.  There weren’t words that describe the depth of grief that Job was experiencing.  There weren’t actions that could take away the pain.  There was just presence that in the midst of the loss of his children, his livelihood, his health he was not alone.
I’m just starting into the part of the study where they start talking.  They probably should of stayed silent, but that’s for another blog.
For today, just know God showed up.  He’s there for you.  His mercies are new.  He loves you.  If there’s someone in your life hurting, just show up.  You don’t have to say a word.  Just be there for them and let them know they aren’t alone.
 
 
 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Lord I know I need to write a blog on this, but instead I only have time for a note.
Had coffee with my mentor Friday. We had a long conversation on how much suffering there is in this world. I had three very sad things to share with her this week. We talked a lot about how following Christ isn’t easy. In fact all the pain and suffering we suffer He told us we would suffer (John 16:33). So why are we surprised when it actually happens?
I always am. I’m always surprised when something terrible happens.

“He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  Psalm 46:10
I just realized I actually have time to blog.  It’s been two weeks since I’ve had time to sit and write.  I know that because it was my birthday the last time I was here.
Which now means I’m 49 years and 18 days old.  In the past two weeks I have had this moment happen.  I’m full of energy, life is thriving and I feel like I’m 20 years old.  Then I look in the mirror and see that I am actually closer to 50.  Not the most uplifting of moments.
In these past 18 days I have started a study on Job.  Actually, I’m currently reading three different books on Job.  From three very different perspectives.  It is amazing what God is teaching me.  I’m currently ruminating on suffering not being punishment, but being a promotion.
My pastor has preached some amazing messages on being a Warrior.  None spoke to me more than this past Sunday’s when he talked about facing your giants.  At just shy of 50, yes I’m obviously struggling with my age, I have heard numerous messages on David and Goliath.   I’ve heard my pastor speak on David and Goliath in the past.  One of the many things I love about him is how he always brings a fresh perspective.  It has to be God’s hand upon him, there is no other way he could do it like he does if it wasn’t.
I’m going to share the three main points, because they are that good:

• Just because the giant is loud doesn’t mean you have to listen
• You are not the underdog
• It’s not the end of the story

Totally worth your time listening too, which you can do here:
https://subsplash.com/watersedge/media/ms/+t5xwyvt
I could go into any of these three topics.  Prayerfully over the next weeks I will.  Right now though, all I want to do is Be Still and know He is God.
Days like today for me, are the easiest to connect to God.  When I feel the warmth of His sunshine on my face.  When I feel the slight breeze He created.  When a special song comes on the radio, the windows are down and you feel like you don’t have a care in the world.  Joy just permeates from every pore.  You can feel His love enfolding you in the warmth of the sun.  There is no doubt of His love for you.  There is no doubt whatever His plan for you is, it’s the best one.
There’s just knowing.
Knowing He is God and I am not.  It is perfectly ok for it to be that way.  It’s the way it’s supposed to be.  It is perfectly ok to be still and know He is God.  It’s perfectly ok for me not to be God.  He never intended us to be equals.  He intended us to love one another.  He intended us to Love Him and love others.  That’s it.
God doesn’t need me to run the world He’s got it.  Turns out, He doesn’t need you to run it either.  Come, be still with me.  Just enjoy His presence on this beautiful day.  Even if for five minutes, it’s worth it!
 

“Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.” 1 Chronicles 4:10
I am a blessed woman.  Today is my birthday and I have had so much love poured into my life in the first 8 hours of the day it takes my breath away.
My pastor encouraged me to take time and reflect on how special God made me.  No one else in the world is like me  That I am His masterpiece.  I have to admit, it is hard for me to reflect on such things.  It isn’t how I feel about myself.  It’s hard for me to believe that is how God feels about me.  But it is.  That is what His word says about me.  That is what His word says about you!
I am reflecting though on how God answered my prayer from last year.  I prayed the prayer of Jabez and asked Him to enlarge my territory.  Oh how He has!  It is in the people He has blessed me with in my life.  Friends of old.  Friends of new.  Friends He’s brought back into my life.  Friend’s He’s restored and renewed.
God has given me more people to love this past year!  I’m so grateful.  They are all so wonderful!
I pray for even more next year.
My pastor was right, I am a masterpiece and so are you!

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
I have found a new thing I love about truth, I don’t have to remember it.  Seriously, I have realized as I get older I’m forgetting more and more.  I talk to so many people in a day.  I answer so many emails and texts.  I can’t possibly remember them all.  As long as I’ve told the truth, I know the facts will always be the same.
Have you ever told a “little white lie?”  Have you learned what a pain it can be to keep up with it?  For instance you have to remember the lie.  You have to remember that you told them you couldn’t go to their kids recital because you had a dentist appointment.  You have to remember you said we can’t make dinner because so and so is working late.
Lies are hard to keep up with, the truth isn’t.
With truth you don’t have to remember, you don’t have to keep up with it.  The truth always stands true.  Just like the truth of Jesus, over 2000 years later,  it stills stands strong.  Tested time and time again, always true.
The beauty of the truth is if you forget part of the details you can always look them up.  You look up the dentist appointment on the calendar.  You won’t have to remember what day you worked late because you actually did.  We always remember what we do more than what we say.
I’m becoming way more comfortable with saying, “You’re going to have to help me remember.”  Or “Where did we leave off last time we talked?”  I confess to even having to say, “I confess, I don’t remember the conversation.”  It’s so hard, because I don’t want anyone to feel like I don’t care.  I don’t want anyone to feel like I don’t love them.  When I can’t remember our conversation, I don’t want them to interpret it as I don’t care.
On the other hand, I also don’t want them to let me off the hook too easily.  I know I’m not God, but I need to work at doing better.  We can always do better, that’s the beauty of life.  I always want to be doing better.
Sometimes it’s hard telling the truth.  It’s hard telling someone you don’t remember what you last talked about.  It is hard telling someone you’re frustrated with them or you’re upset with them.  It’s hard to tell someone you just don’t want to go.  None of us want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Here’s the truth, being lied too hurts more every time over being told the truth in love.
The key to telling the truth is telling it to the best of your ability in love.  That is the part we can always get better.  We can always love better than we did yesterday.  I know I am constantly being reminded I can love better than I did a minute ago.  The only way I can love better is to keep God in the forefront.  He is the only way I can love well.  He is the only way I can tell the truth in love.  He is the only one who can help me continue to do better each day, hour and minute.
Jesus came to tell the truth:
 “You are a king, then!” said Pilate.  Jesus answered, “You say that I am a king. In fact, the reason I was born and came into the world is to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me.”
I’m grateful it is Jesus I’m following.  He sets the right example.  Nobody told the truth in love better than Jesus, for obvious reasons.  I’ve learned a lot from Him.  I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m grateful one of the things He has shown me is how to tell the truth in love.
I’m working on it God, I’m working on it!
 

“And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.” Luke 22:44
I had an unusual day today.  It was typical because I had booked myself solid all day long.  The only time I had between appointments was travel time to and from my destination.  What made today unusual was that my first task of the day was unloading a pile of dirt for my husband.  This meant I would be dirty and sweaty for the rest of my day, with no time for a shower.
It’s typically not a problem except today was my scheduled meeting with my Campus Pastor.  I didn’t want him to think I was being disrespectful because of my appearance.  I popped him a quick text explaining my day. I explained I may not be looking my best by the time I made our appointment.
It was his response that prompted this blog.  He replied, “Sweating for the Kingdom”.   To which I responded, “Amen.  I pray best when I’m sweating.”  I truly meant it.  It got me thinking about how much I do pray when I’m sweating.  I’ve been pondering that thought all day.
When you are sweating you are typically exerting above average effort.  For instance, if it’s a hot day outside and you are sweating, your body is working harder than normal to keep you cool.  When I’m playing a tennis match and losing, I pray a lot more for strength than when I’m winning.  When life is going along status quo, it’s easy for me to not talk to God as much.  The minute something happens though, I want Him there and on it.
Jesus was praying so earnestly the night before His crucifixion  He actually had drops of blood in His sweat.  He knew what was coming the next day.  He was in serious conversation with His Father about it.  There really is a medical condition called Hematidrosis, it explains how there can be blood in your sweat.  It has to do with the tiny blood vessels that surround the sweat glands.  You have to be praying pretty hard to make it bleed.
That’s what happens when life brings us to our knees.  When the unexpected happens.  When it leaves you with no where to turn.  When life turns up the heat and we start sweating, it’s often the exact same time we start praying.
It’s interesting how we ignore God when the temperature is comfortable.  The minute the heat starts to rise and life becomes uncomfortable, we want Him right there waiting for us.  The good news is, He will be there when we call:
“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”  Jeremiah 33:3
The bad news is, what do we miss on the days we don’t call on Him?
I personally can’t go a day without God.  Whether the temperature is perfect or not, I need Him.  I’ve disciplined myself to spend time with Him every day, usually in the morning.  Not saying I’m a saint, God knows better than anyone I’m not.  Just saying I have worked time with God into my day.  It helps me to do a Bible reading plan.  If nothing else, I’m always reading through the Bible in a year.  I always start on Jan. 1 and end Dec. 31.  My favorite thing over the holidays is picking out my new plan.  This year my husband and I are reading it together.  It’s been awesome.
That being said, my most connecting times with God are still when I’m sweating.  When life is doing a full court press and I feel like I have no where to turn.  Nothing brings me to my knees faster than that.
I’m beginning to thank God for the sweat.  I had never really thought about it until today.  Let’s face it, most people don’t enjoy sweating.  We don’t enjoy hard times either.  What we do enjoy is the peace we find in God during those times.  We enjoy His calming nature in the midst of the storm.  We love the gentle breeze of His Spirit that cools us off when it’s too hot.  We grow closer to Him during the times we’re sweating more than any other time.
I wasn’t lying today when I said, “Amen!  I pray best when I sweat!”  Turns out I really do!
 
 

“Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen.”  Hebrews 1:1
I’m reading this book “Job and the Mystery of Suffering” by Richard Rohr.  It’s really a very deep book.  I can only read a few pages or sometimes even paragraphs at a time before I have to put it down to think about what it’s saying.  Full transparency, my husband will probably explain it to me at some point.
I didn’t make it very far tonight before I stumbled across this little gem, “Faith definitions grow old as we move through our lives…Lord what does faith mean now?”  It stopped me immediately.
That’s it exactly!
Faith does change as you grow older.  I wouldn’t define faith at all today like I would of twenty years ago.  Twenty years ago I was a much different person than I am today.  For one thing, I wasn’t going to church.  It had been years since I had set foot in a church.
In fact, I was a flight attendant back then, a little longer than twenty years ago.  I definitely was running from God in those days, as fast as I could.  Never got away from Him though.  Looking back, even though I was running from Him, He was holding onto me!  In fact, it wasn’t until I stopped running and returned to Him that I realized that.
But I digress, the first thing I thought of was the first time I emailed Ron.  That took a very large amount of faith for me to do.  I had been hurt so many times before. I was comfortable being single.  Had a good job, lots of friends, my Mom was my roommate.  Life was good.  I didn’t need to put myself back out there just to get rejected again.
But he was so different than any other guy I had ever dated.  So kind.  So gentle.  Never pushy.  I hadn’t had anyone treat me like he did.  Even more importantly, like he still does.
The faith I needed that day is totally different than I the faith I need today.  You know why, because taking that first step of faith led me to where I am today.  If I hadn’t trusted God that day.  Trusted that He loved me no matter what.  That He would never reject me or hurt me.  I was never alone, He is always with me.  If I hadn’t trusted those promises, I wouldn’t of had the courage to face the possibility of being rejected once again.
The point is, after I took that first step of faith, then I took another one, and another one.  I’m still taking faith steps today.  That’s why I love to start my day out praying.  Lifting up to God what the day ahead holds helps me walk more solidly, knowing there isn’t anything He can’t handle.  Knowing He orders my steps, He prepares my way, He leads me where He needs me.  My whole life is lived on faith.  I don’t think I could live any other way, nor do I want too.
God rocks!