Honest Reflections

“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice.  Become mature, be encouraged, be of the same mind, be at peace, and the God of love and peace will be with you.”  2 Corinthians 13:11 CSB

Resolving conflict requires maturity.  We have to be willing to lay down our wants and needs, learning how to help others with theirs.  In the same way Jesus died on the cross for us, we have to lay our lives down for our brothers. Maturity means we don’t have to have our own way all of the time.  We can allow others to shine instead of ourselves. We mature naturally with each year we are given, but emotional maturity may require more intentionality. An article from Entrepreneur magazine gives us insight into how we can mature with 9 practical steps.

First we have to seek self-mastery.  As we talked about a few days ago, we have to be self-aware of the places in our life we need work.  We need to foster a “growth-mindset.” For me, when I’m offended by someone, the first question I ask is “Why am I offended?”  This question always leads me to self-discovery about an area of my life I need work. We develop emotional intelligence as we seek self-mastery.  We begin to learn what triggers our emotions and how we can respond to them in a healthier way than we have done in the past. Instead of assuming whoever is trying to pick a fight, we can give them the benefit of the doubt.  As we mature we develop a positive attitude and independence. We begin to learn our emotions aren’t dependent on others. We are able to let them off the hook for the hurts they cause us because their actions don’t control our emotions.

Mature people are able to delay gratification.  They can put their needs aside to address the needs of others.  They don’t have to engage in every argument because they realize every argument isn’t worth engaging.  Mature people are truthful with themselves and with others. They take responsibility for their actions,  they are accessible to work out conflicts. They don’t hide from the conflict, they address it. When we strive to become more mature in our walk with God, it will show in our relationships with others.  We’ll have less conflict and more peace. We’ll pick our battles wisely, knowing not every battle is worth fighting.

Today I’m going to find rest by striving to become more mature.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“But if he won’t listen, take one or two others with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established.”  Matthew 18:16 CSB

Sometimes, going to the person to resolve conflict isn’t enough.  Too much water has been spilt under the bridge, too many hurt feelings are lying just beneath the surface.  No matter what the individual says, they are wrong in our eyes. All we see is “red,” everything they do is suspect. But this is a trap we have to be careful not to fall into with people.  We have to remind ourselves, we are all sinners in need of grace. No one is perfect, especially not us. If you shine a spotlight in my life, you will easily find a long list of imperfections.  But if you look for the good, you’ll see there is that too. Sometimes, in order for us to see the other person in their true light we need help from others.

When Ron and I were on our 3 week adventure, we only had one big fight.  The fight is a recurring one we have had in our marriage. We were in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  Our neighbors were Chris and Danny. They were from Florida, full-time RVers who have celebrated 35 years of marriage together.  God placed them in our life to help us work through our conflict. Ron and I were in the midst of arguing when they stopped by our campsite for a chat.  I knew God had sent them to us. Ron and I shared our disagreement with them. They gave us valuable advice that has encouraged us ever since. They helped us dissect the problem, and view it from different angles than what we could see.  As a result, we found the resolution we needed. We were able to put the conflict behind us, once and for all. We haven’t argued about it since. I know my role, Ron knows his role and we have both found peace.

Sometimes we need other people to help us see the truth in our conflicts.  We have to choose wisely who those people are, not everyone is going to give you good advice.  Choose people who you respect, who will have your best interest at heart, who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.  We trusted Chris and Danny because they had a great relationship. Their advice was invaluable to us, they helped us lay to rest a conflict that had plagued us for years.  When old feelings start to rise in me, I remember Chris’s words to me and I let it go. We need mediators in our lives who can help us find the restoration we need in our conflicts.  If we can’t find peace on our own, find someone who can help. A trusted friend, a counselor or pastor, someone who can help restore the relationship as God intends.

Today I am going to find rest by knowing when to ask for help.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother.”  Matthew 18:15 CSB

Has it ever occurred to you, the person you are in conflict with may not even know you’re upset with them?  People don’t know what we are thinking unless we tell them. Often they learn we’re irritated because of our actions, not because of our words.  We give them the cold shoulder, or the silent treatment, expecting them to know our thoughts. But unless we tell them why we’re upset, they don’t know.  When we have a conflict with someone, we need to be able to talk about it with them. We have to learn to communicate our feelings, in love to them so that there can be restoration.  And we have to be careful not to blame.

For instance, marriage is a stomping ground for conflict. Things can be taken out of context so easily, and so quickly.  My husband is much better at this than I am. He is a better communicator in the midst of conflict, he is able to stay focused on the truth of the situation and not get emotional.  As a female, I get emotional and therefore have to fight that battle as well. But when we approach each other with love and kindness, when we are able to communicate in love how their actions make us feel, then we can find resolution to our conflict.  When we were on our honeymoon we listened to a series by Craig Groeschel on marriage. The free kindle book can be found here.  The quote I have taken to heart most from his talk is: “Healthy couples fight for RESOLUTION. Unhealthy couples fight for VICTORY.”  We have made that a cornerstone statement in our marriage. We fight for resolution, not victory.

If we are able to be transparent with whomever we are in conflict with, it’s a first step to resolution.  We have to be able to say, in love, “Your actions made me feel…” When we are able to discuss our feelings openly and honestly we can start finding resolution.  People can’t argue with how you feel, they are YOUR feelings, and they do matter. We have to become comfortable agreeing to disagree. No one is always right, there is always more than one way to reach a goal, and it doesn’t always have to be our way.  When we can start allowing others to have room to be who God created them to be, we can find peace from our conflicts.

Today I am going to find rest by being transparent. How can you find rest today?  Comment below.

“If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  Romans 12:18 CSB

Living at peace with the people in our lives requires us to allow people to disagree with us.  We have to be humble enough to know, we don’t know everything. We could be wrong, in fact, we might be wrong.  But God allows each of us to live our lives the way we choose. He has given us free will to make choices. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict, the choice is ours.  I have found there are people who thrive on conflict, and there are people who will do anything to avoid conflict. In reality, conflict is part of healthy relationships. As Solomon tells us in Proverbs, iron sharpens iron (Prov. 27:17 NIV).  The constant grating of sandpaper across a rough edge makes it smooth, in the same way, conflict can help us become better if we allow it too.

But there is another reason we need to live at peace with people to the best of our ability.  We never know how long we will have them in our lives. When Cody died, I hadn’t seen him since my Mom’s funeral, six months prior, but we were at peace.  He knew I loved him, and I knew he loved me, that peace helps me in times of grief. When my college roommate Leah died, we were at peace. We had lost touch as people do after college, but had recently reconnected.  We had an opportunity to reconnect with each other, rekindling our friendship. When she passed, I had no regrets, but if we hadn’t had those moments together, I would have regretted deeply not having reached out to her.  And when my Mom died, I had no regrets. I knew I had done everything I could to take care of her and honor her wishes. The Lord gave us two weeks together at the end to go through old pictures, answer any last questions, so that when she passed, I had no regrets.

In reality, there are people in our lives the best way to find peace is from afar.  In cases of abuse, the best scenario is praying for them out of harm’s way. God isn’t asking us to be door mats, He’s asking us to live at peace.  Unhealthy people can’t have healthy relationships, if they aren’t willing to do the work to become healthy, we can’t do it for them. The best thing we can do with people who refuse to take responsibility for their actions is love them from afar.  We aren’t the ones who change people, God is. Often, when we pray for them, the person He changes is us. He gives us insights into how to love them better, often from a distance. And He is always working, no one wants unhealthy people to become healthy more than God, but that is His work, not ours.  Learning to set boundaries in unhealthy relationships is how we find His peace.

Today I am going to find rest by finding peace.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“Why do you look at the splinter in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the beam of wood in your own eye.” Matthew 7:3 CSB

When it comes to conflict, we all have a role.  Webster’s 1828 dictionary defines conflict as “a striking or dashing against each other, as of two moving bodies in opposition; violent collision of substances; as a conflict of elements, or waves; a conflict of particles in ebulltion (boiling).”   When two individuals with opposing ideas bump against each other, conflict arises.  Often, when we’re in the midst of conflict, we’re so focused on the other persons “faults,” we don’t realize, we have faults of our own.  We spend more time blaming the other person than defining our part in the conflict. But if we want to diffuse conflict in our lives, we have to look at what our part in the conflict is, AND we have to take responsibility for our actions.

An article from the Denver Institute for Faith and Works, describes our role in conflict. “We are all sinners, whose hearts have tendencies toward self-serving motivations and selfish pride.”   in a nutshell, none of us are perfect, we are all sinners, our default mode is selfishness.  We have to be self aware enough to understand why we respond the way we do? Why does the other person’s actions offend me?  What is the deeper issue? What sin in our lives are we leaving unattended? Before we start pointing out someone else’s sin, we need to start with our own sin.  We need to take the plank out of our own eye before we deal with the splinter in someone else’s.

One of the hardest parts about conflicts we engage in is not letting our emotions drive us.  Our feelings lie. We can create entire narratives in our head that aren’t true. For instance, when you get cut off in traffic, have you ever assumed the person did it intentionally?  I have. I’ve taken it personally when someone has cut me off in traffic. The other day, the same truck cut me off twice weaving back and forth in traffic. I was fuming. But then I saw the look on the woman’s face which obviously communicated she had no idea where she was going.  Or when you come home from work and your spouse does something that drives you through the roof. Automatically you assume they’re trying to pick a fight, but in reality, they don’t even know they have irritated you. However we create stories in our minds that say the opposite. Instead of focusing on the truth of the situation, we focus on the lies.  Often times, we’re the problem, but we don’t want to take the time to examine ourselves, or admit our part in the conflict. If we’re going to rest from conflict, we need to learn to examine ourselves first before we point fingers at the other person. Remember, when we point our finger at someone else’s faults, there are three fingers pointing back as us.  Examine your own heart first.

Today I’m going to find rest from blaming others.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“Do not take revenge or bear a grudge against members of your community, but love your neighbor as yourself, I am the Lord.”  Leviticus 19:18 CSB

The holiday’s bring conflict.  Conflict within families, conflict within marriages, conflict within friendships, even conflict within ourselves.  People work longer hours to pay for presents. Days are longer because of Christmas events. Kids are in school plays and church performances which require extra practices. Homework gets done later and later.  God help you if you’re in retail working the holiday rush. People are rude, arrogant and thoughtless. Christmas Shoppers can be nasty, people have died in Black Friday rushes. Conflict abounds in today’s world, even more so during the holidays.

For that reason, we’re going to spend the next week looking at how to handle conflict in our lives, not only during the holidays, but all year long.  We are going to work to find rest from conflict, which equals peace in our lives. One way is by being proactive to potential conflicts. For instance, I play in a couple of tennis leagues.  I’ve played in these leagues for years. I’ve known the majority of players for years. Therefore, when I take the court on any given Tuesday, I can anticipate how the match will go because I know the players so well.  I also know who is most likely to cause conflict on the court. One way I anticipate for the conflict is by knowing who I will be playing with before I walk on the court. Then I can mentally prepare myself for the probable conflict that will happen.

For instance, there are women in our group who are known for making bad line calls, calling a ball out when it is in.  When people make bad line calls, conflict happens. Sometimes the conflict is very uncomfortable.  Therefore, if I know in advance I’m playing with someone known for bad line calls, I create a game plan to deal with the situation.  There are two possible scenarios, I’m either going to play with her or against her. If I play with her, I prepare mentally to overrule bad calls. If I play against her, I  decide beforehand not to argue. I have learned from my years playing tennis, it is not worth arguing over a line call. We’re going to apply the same process to the holidays. We’re going to prepare in advance for potential conflicts.

Begin praying about what possible conflicts could arise in the next month because of the holidays. Who are the players in your world that are known for causing conflict? Begin praying about ways to diffuse the conflict in advance.  Think about possible scenarios, what are ways to avoid unnecessary conflict? Talk to trusted friends about what to do. When we do these things, we’ll find rest from conflict.

Today I’m finding rest from conflict.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“Then He said to His disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, don’t worry about your life, what you will eat; or about the body, what you will wear.”  Luke 12:22 CSB

The subtitle in my Bible before this verse reads, “The Cure for Anxiety.” Have you ever thought about how anxiety is a go to emotion? We are all anxious about something.  I wonder what would happen if you asked a random stranger if they had any anxieties. If they were being honest, I think they would say yes. People lie all the time to cover up their true feelings. 

We are all worried about something. There’s something in our life that we can’t control, and it worries us. For instance, my husband is travelling for work this week. I get anxious when he travels because I can’t control what may or may not happen.  I worry about his safety. That is one anxiety I have. During the holidays anxiety in all of our lives increases. Will they like my present? How am I going to pay for all of these presents? Who are we going to say no too? Who is going to be mad we didn’t go to their party instead of someone else’s party?  The list of anxieties is endless. We live in an anxious world, surrounded by anxious people. But that is not life with Jesus. Life with Jesus, no matter what is going on around us, is calm.

How do we find calm in the midst of the holiday madness?  How can we not let our anxieties control us? How can we find rest?  The answer is found in Paul’s letter to the Philippians:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Phil. 4:6-7 NIV

When we find ourselves consumed with worry and anxiety, pray.  Let worry be your indicator to talk to God. For me, that means I’m always praying.  I think I came out of my mother’s womb worrying. But when I use my worry as a sign to talk to God, then I find peace.  When I release to Him whatever burden is on my heart, I find rest. Think of worry as your “Check Engine” light, the minute it comes on, it’s your sign to go to the Mechanic.  No one else can take away your worries like He can. No one else can minister to an aching soul like He can. No one else can give you calm like He can.

Today I’m going to find rest by seeking His calm.  How are you going to find rest today? Comment below.

“God blessed the seventh day and declared it holy, for on it He rested from all of His work.” Genesis 2:2 CSB

I have the first part of this verse underlined in my Bible, there is an arrow pointing to the words, “Resting is Holy” in the margin.  As we enter into one of the most hectic months of the year for most people, remembering that resting is Holy may just help us enjoy the season a little more.  Each day I’m going to ask you how you are going to find rest that day. I loved in November hearing what everyone was thankful for each day. I think the interactions helped us all grow, helped us all be thankful, helped us all focus on what God has done for us.  I’m hoping to keep the conversation going about rest. Let’s all help each other grow together by answering the question and encouraging each other.

Thinking about doing an entire month of rest, I wanted a game plan of where we would start, and where we would finish.  As I started to research I came across this article by Bonnie Gray.  She makes the point that rest is one of only three ambitions we have as stated in the New Testament.   The other two, according to her, are preach the Gospel (Romans 15:20 NIV) and please God (2 Cor. 5:9 NIV).   I haven’t done enough research to say whether I agree or not with whether those are the only ambitions, but I did find the verses she was referring to which makes rest an ambition for us:

“Make it your goal to live a quiet {restful} life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before.” 1 Thessalonians 4:11 NLT

Let’s make it our ambition this month to be holier than ever by resting.  Let’s not let the activities of the season make us lose focus on what is really important, living a restful life in God.  Because it is only through our relationship with Him we can truly find rest. As we progress through this month, we’ll learn about ways to rest (hopefully), ways to release our cares to Him, ways to connect with the One who has all the answers to all of our questions.  Rest is more than just a nice thought, it’s a way of life. God set the example from the beginning, He worked six days and rested on the seventh (Genesis 2:2 NIV).  He meant it to be a part of our lives too.

Today, I am going to find rest by making it my ambition for the next month.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“Now I urge you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree in what you say, that there be no divisions among you, and that you be united with the same understanding and the same conviction.” 1 Corinthians 1:10 CSB

Another month has flown by, I’m thankful for the past 11 months of growing my faith with each of you.  I have never shared my faith so boldly, so openly before I started this year of writing devotionals. Each one I have written, God has used to grow me.  Some days are harder than others to keep going. But my word for the year is PERSEVERANCE, my verse for 2019: “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character, hope” Romans 5:4 NIV.  Each of you have helped me persevere.  Each one of you have helped me grow my faith as I learn of your stories and your perseverance through trials that you face, you have given me hope.  The love I have for each of you is sincere. I thought I’d end this month of thankfulness in a prayer.

Father God, thank You!  Thank You for each person in this group.  Thank You for their earnestness in seeking You, knowing You.  This year has been a struggle for each of us as we have taken bold steps of faith.  We’ve learned to trust You a little more each day, we’ve grown, as You have guided our steps.  Lord, the enemy attacks when people are growing closer to You, but we know, the victory is Yours.  Thank You for this month of thankfulness. Thank You for helping us be intentional about what we do have, instead of focusing on what we don’t have.  Lord, for each person reading this devotional, I pray You touch their hearts. I pray You bless their lives. I pray Lord, Your favor is with them, Your guidance directing them, Your wisdom helping them, Your discernment theirs.  And I know Lord, we all have blind spots in our lives. Those areas others can see in us, but we can’t see them. Reveal them to us Lord so we can become who You created us to be. Release us from anything that is holding us back from living our life to the fullest as You have planned.  As we end this month of thankfulness, I pray this timeless blessing for each life in this group:

“May the Lord bless you, and protect you.

May the Lord smile on you,

and be gracious to you.

May the Lord show you His favor,

and give you His piece.”

Numbers 6:24-26 NIV  

 In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Today, I am thankful for each of you.  What are you thankful for?

“There is no Jew or Greek, slave or free, male and female, since you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28 CSB

I’m thankful for the Indians in the Thanksgiving story, if you recall from yesterday, they are the ones who helped the Pilgrims learn how to farm.   The Indians are who gave the weary travellers a way to survive, to be able to grow food and feed their dwindling families. If the Indians hadn’t intervened, it is highly likely the small band of Pilgrims left would not have survived another winter.  Their skin was a different color, but their hearts were all filled with love and acceptance. We can learn so much by the interactions of this new found friendship. We can learn so much from a man named Squanto.

Squanto was a member of the Patuxet tribe.  In 1614 he was captured by an English explorer, Thomas Hunt who sold him into slavery in Spain.  Squanto escaped and eventually made his way back to North America. A year later he would become the guide and interpreter that would selflessly move into camp with more English people and teach them how to survive.  A brief recap, one English man takes him thousands of miles from his home, enslaves him, and the first thing he does when he returns to American soil is help English people. I’m not sure, after what he had endured in his time of captivity I would have been so willing to help.  But that is what God does for us. He helps us, even though we’ve treated Him badly.

We all treat God badly, there is not one of us that can say we don’t.  We turn our backs on Him, we ignore Him when it doesn’t suit our purposes. We put Him in a box until we need Him, then  we expect Him to jump at our first command. But that is not who God is, He’s not a genie in a bottle waiting for it to be rubbed.  God is a God of love. God understands the struggles we have and wants to join us in them. Recently, I was in a hate filled situation.  I could feel it coming from the people I was surrounded by, it is not a good feeling. The thought I had run through my mind, what beats hate?  The answer is love. Darkness is the absence of light, hate is the absence of love. A.W. Tozer famously said, “What you think about God is the most important thing about us.”  When I think of God, I think of love. When I think of His Word, I think of it as His love letter to me, showing me how to love.  Hate is the absence of God, God doesn’t hate, He creates. He creates new life, He gives new hope, He loves always. Just as Squanto did when he moved in with the very people who had tortured him and showed them how to live.

I’m thankful for Indians.  What are you thankful for?