“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
I honestly can’t remember which book I was reading that talked about not assigning thoughts to people. In other words, don’t assume you know what someone else is thinking, especially about you. We project our thoughts and feelings onto someone else. I’ve been pondering this for weeks. I’ve realized I do it without even realizing it.
For instance, when I was teaching the tennis serve to a student. She was having a hard time with her toss. I know how frustrating it can be so I assumed she was frustrated. When I said something to her, she wasn’t frustrated at all. She hadn’t even noticed her toss was off because she was still hitting the ball. She was just happy to hit the ball. I was completely wrong about what she was thinking.
I’m often wrong when I think my husband is hungry because I’m hungry. I’m wrong when I think he must be cold because I’m cold, or tired because I’m tired. I’m wrong when I think a friend is irritated at me because she hasn’t instantly responded to my text.
In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) this tendency is referred to as a mind-reading error which is the belief that you know what someone else thinks or feels. When you act upon that assumption and it is wrong, problems can occur in the relationship. For instance, people may make accusations based on their assumptions: “I know you think my idea is stupid—you’re such a critical person!” or “You would rather be with her than with me.”
Often what a person sees in others is their own thoughts and feelings reflected back at them. If they are self-critical, they believe others are critical of them. If they are insecure, they believe others couldn’t possibly like them or consider them competent.
It really is a struggle to not assume you know what someone else is thinking. I find myself battling this often. I have begun to recognize when I am doing this. I’ve found one easy way to catch myself is when I’m assigning a negative thought to someone. “She’s mad at me.”, “I’m bothering her.” etc. These quickly tell me I’m doing some mind reading. I remind myself I don’t know. Don’t make assumptions.
Even more challenging is to realize we don’t know what God is thinking. We automatically assume He’s upset with us for this or that. We think there is no way He could forgive us for whatever sin we’ve committed. We often think other people deserve His blessing but we really don’t. None of those statements are true. His word tells us He loves us (John 3:16). He forgives us (Psalm 103:12). We are the apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8). He wants to bless us. (Psalm 20:4).
It’s true we don’t know what other people are thinking about us, but we can know what God thinks. When we spend time in His word we quickly realize how much He loves us. We may not know what He is up too, often we don’t. We don’t need to know that. We trust it is good, no matter what the circumstances look like. What we do need to know is how much He loves us. All of us.
I’m working on giving up the mind reading. Instead, I’m trying to focus on what I do know. God loves me, unconditionally. I’m to love others the same way. I find loving others, no matter what, helps me give them the benefit of the doubt. I stop assuming the worst, instead I look for ways to love them. That is way more fun and a lot less frustrating.
Month: July 2018
Keep Your Promise
“But let [a]your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’” Matthew 5:37a
How hard do you work at keeping the promises you make to other people? Do you put the same priority on the promises you make to yourself? I have a feeling you don’t. I can definitely tell you I don’t. It wasn’t until I was listening to the book “Girl Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis I even realized it was a problem.
I spend so much time letting my “yes” be “yes” and my “no” be “no” for others, but spend no time doing it for myself. As pointed out in the book, the reason is simple, I’m not putting myself on my priority list. I’m putting taking care of others ahead of taking care of myself. The truth is, I can’t take care of others if I don’t take care of myself.
That’s hard to swallow. It is also hard for me to swallow that I am a priority. I have spent so much time training myself in the JOY principle: Jesus, Others, Yourself it seems wrong to move myself up the list. But is it really moving myself up the list or being able to accomplish JOY better?
I didn’t really consider it a promise to myself, rather a goal for this year, but I committed to doing two classes a week. A realistic goal I can achieve. It’s turned into doing Hot Yoga three times a week. I’m seven months in and I am stronger and healthier now than I was a year ago. I am able to care for others better because of this one “promise”. My joints aren’t hurting when I get up in the morning. I can walk without limping. I’ve lost weight. I even sleep better. All of these things make me a much nicer person to be around. I’ve made good health a priority. I’ve made my good health a priority and the rewards are paying off.
When you make promises to others do you rush into them or do you take time to think it through? When we don’t make promises lightly to others, it enables us to make sure we can keep them. It’s no different when you make a promise to yourself. Whatever it is, make sure it’s realistic and doable.
Here’s an example of the latest promise I have made to myself: fine tune my diet. I’ve been slipping on my eating goals. I need to get back on track. I’ve been telling myself for weeks I needed to do this, yet I haven’t done it. Thanks to a good friend who has helped me understand what I need to do, I now have a promise I can keep.
She pointed out to me there are four components of eating healthy: Planning, Shopping, Cooking and Consuming. After many conversations, I realized my downfall is in the planning process. I definitely do not have a problem consuming. My husband does the cooking (yes I am very grateful). What woman doesn’t love shopping? However I’m failing to plan which is sabotaging all of the other four parts.
Here’s how I am going to keep this promise to myself. I have made reminders. Wednesday is my planning day. I am to come up with a meal plan for the following week. Thursday is the day my friend is going to hold me accountable to completing Wednesday. Friday is shopping day. Sunday is meal prep day. Then let the consuming begin. I’ve made a promise to myself and I’m determined to keep it.
What promise have you made to yourself you haven’t kept? What can you do today to start keeping it?
The Enemy Within
“But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” Matthew 5:44
We all know we are to pray for our enemies, but have you ever thought the enemy you should be praying for is you?
I’m reading a fascinating book titled “Boundaries for Your Soul” by Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller. It focus’s on the battle we fight from within ourselves. Our anxieties and overwhelming thoughts which have the power to paralyze us. Immobilizing us from living our lives to the fullest, which is what Jesus wants for us. (John 10:10)
I started reading the book because of it’s subtitle; “How to Turn Your Overwhelming Thoughts and Feelings into Your Greatest Allies”. Who doesn’t want that? My thoughts can drive me crazy. Controlling them can be nothing short of miraculous sometimes. I was actually battling separation anxiety. I was looking for solutions.
I’ve found so many insights already and I’m only half way through. The biggest of which is learning to love the parts of me which are not my favorite. For instance my anxiety. The book helps you identify what is causing the unwanted emotion and learn to befriend it. It makes me think of this quote from Abraham Lincoln:
“The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.”
It really is a revolutionizing thought if we apply it to the parts of ourselves we’re least fond. I’m aware my separation anxiety began when my father died when I was a teenager. I learned early what it is to lose someone who plays such a pivotal role in your life. As a result, I spent much of my 20’s pushing people away because I didn’t want to go through pain like it again.
Inevitably I learned, no matter how hard I try, I can’t live without people. We are designed to live in community. We are designed to love each other. We are designed to suffer loss. It’s all a part of life.
How do I befriend my anxiety? By praying for it. By learning to accept, no matter what I do it is always going to be a part of me. By understanding it does serve a purpose. It isn’t the enemy. It’s my mind helping me to cope with loss.
As I’ve grown older and encountered more loss, the anxiety has stayed with me. In February, when I lost a dear friend far too soon it reared it’s ugly head once again. I have befriended it though. It has helped me understand the meaning of this verse:
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18
None of us know how many days God will give us. We don’t know how many days we’ll have with the people we love. My anxiety helps me remember those two truths. It has helped me realize it is important to live at peace with everyone to the best of my ability, because I don’t know how long I will get to love them.
I love this quote I read on Facebook the other day. Not sure where it originated, but it went something like this:
“Love the people God gives you well for you don’t know when He’ll need them back.”
My anxiety helps me live in the moment. It reminds me all I have is here and now. It gets me up at 5:00 in the morning to make lunch for my husband when he has a long day at work. It makes me hug my brothers when I see them. It helps me tell people I love them easier. It makes me write the note, send the text, make the call.
My anxiety helps me love better in the here and now. I have learned to accept it will always be a part of my life. I am beginning to appreciate how it adds to my life. How it gives me the 20 seconds of courage I need sometimes to show someone I care. To open up my arms and hug. To lift the corners of my mouth and smile. To live.
I started praying for my enemy. It turned out the enemy was me.
Side of the Road
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.” Matthew 7:13
I love to bike ride. Last month I rode 204 miles to support the fight against childhood cancer. All of those miles reminded me of one of my favorite analogies of the Christian life. The narrow road we walk on when we follow Christ, for the road must be narrow to get through the narrow gate.
When you are riding on the road with your bike, it’s best to stay as far to the side as possible to avoid getting hit by a car. I like to ride in the narrow edge between where the white painted line is and the edge of the asphalt. I think of this as the narrow road of following Christ. Sometimes however, I sway past the painted line and am in the much larger road where I’m more likely to get hit by a car. I always try to get back into the narrow lane as quickly as possible. It’s much safer there.
I think it’s a beautiful picture of what it is like to follow Christ. There is only one way to get to Him, one gate to pass through. However in life, there are many ways we can choose to live our life, many gates we could pass through.
We can follow the path of money and spend all of our time trying to get through the gate of wealth. We can follow the path of relationships with people and try to find happiness through that gate. We can follow the path of diet and exercise and try to find our identity in being the perfect size. There are so many paths we can take, so many gates we can try to get through. Gates that cause us to lose focus of Jesus.
When I’m riding along on my bike, staying in my narrow little lane I imagine it is like when I’m following Christ. Those times when I know I’m in His will, I can feel His presence, we’re in tune with each other. But then I swerve off the road, I enter into the big road. Those are the times when I take my eyes off of Jesus and focus on something else. It could be my own selfishness, a relationship I’m not trusting Him with or a problem I’m trying to solve on my own. It’s those times I forget to ask Jesus into the situation. Those times I try to do it on my own strength and not with Him. Those are the times when I swerve into the big road.
Gratefully, I always find my way back to the narrow road. I find my way back to Him. The quicker the better, the safer I will be. It’s the same in life. The sooner I realize I’ve lost my focus, the faster I can get the Son back in my eyes. The faster I get back on the straight and narrow. It takes work to stay on the narrow road. It’s ok if you swerve off of it every now and then. It’s inevitable. The important part is that you find your way back.