Month: December 2019

“And we have this command from Him: The one who loves God must also love his brother and sister.” 1 John 4:21 CSB

Every family has conflict, there is no perfect family.  Nothing brings out family imperfections like the holidays.  But we don’t need to engage in the fighting. To help us navigate the murky waters of family during the holidays, we’re going to once again turn to Dave Ramsey.  In his article we can find helpful tips to make this holiday season a pleasant one.

His first tip is to compromise on parties.  Decide which parties you’ll attend, and how long you’ll stay.  My husband and I always have a game plan in place for situations like this.  We know before we enter what time we want to leave because we’ve discussed it and decided in advance.  Dave’s second tip is to shorten the shopping list. This was a huge problem in my family years ago. With six siblings, their spouses and children, that was a lot of gifts to buy.  But then we decided as a family to draw names, another tip on Dave’s list. This cut down on the shopping tremendously, as well as the anxiety of finding the perfect gift.  

Spending time with relatives we don’t like is also an issue at Christmas.  Dave says the same thing my mother always told me: “Just be nice, you don’t have to be their best friend.”  Of course, we all know this is easier said than done, especially when there is a long history because of the family relationship.  But we can be polite and smile for a couple of hours. Another family issue is those members who we feel should be more involved. They are the ones who only call when they need something.  Dave suggests each member make a “Christmas Promise” with another family member of something they would like done, as well as a timeline for doing it. This helps show the value of being involved.  

For kids who are ungrateful for their presents, use the moment as a time to teach them gratitude for what they do have, instead of what they don’t have.  Of course, Dave talks about grandparents who spoil their grandchildren, especially if they can’t afford the gifts. Help them understand the kids care more about their presence than their presents.  Money doesn’t buy love, intentional time spent together does, whether it’s getting ice cream or watching a football game.

The last thing Dave talks about is traveling versus staying home.  Again, compromise is the key. Plan ahead, think about the financial side of the trip and pre-determine how much you travel and when.  Then communicate your plans to the family as soon as possible so any possible issues can be dissected easily.  

And one last thing I try to use for everyone I meet, whether I’m related to them or not; Christ died for them.  He loves them, and we’re to love them too, even family. Sometimes, we’re the only light of Christ some people will see, let’s shine brightly for all.

I’m going to find rest by not fighting with family.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from him.”  Psalm 62:5 CSB

We place expectations on people we should only place on God.  We expect people to be perfect, but they aren’t. Only God is perfect.  When we place unrealistic expectations on people, we get hurt. We are offended.  Relationships suffer. The sad part is, we don’t even realize we expect people to be perfect, but yet we do.  I was reminded of this the other day.

I was working on a project for school and I was looking for feedback before I turned it into my professor.  I sent my draft to several people and asked them for their thoughts. Of all the people I sent it too, only 2 people responded.  What was interesting was my reaction to the friends who didn’t respond. Some of them I had an easier time showing grace too than others.  I recognized I had different expectations of different people. Why was I ok that so-and-so didn’t respond, but not ok that someone else didn’t?   I also found some people waited to tell me when they saw me instead of responding back to my message. All of my friends handled the same situation differently, which made me aware of the different expectations I had for each of them.  

In reality,  we have higher expectations of the people who are closest to us, such as family, than we do those we don’t know as well.  Why is that? I’m still searching for an answer, but I believe it’s partly because of unrealistic expectations. For instance, I expect my husband to act a certain way.  I expect him to know what I’m thinking without having to tell him. I expect when I send him a text he will respond immediately. But those are all unrealistic expectations.  None of us can control how someone else acts, no matter how badly we want too. No one can know what we’re thinking if we don’t tell them. And no one is waiting at our beck and call to answer whatever need we have.   No one that is, but God.

God is who we need to place our expectation of perfection on, not our spouses or friends.  God is the only one who knows us intimately, who can anticipate our needs and be there every time we call.  No human on earth can do that, not even our husbands. When we lose unrealistic expectations of people, our relationships will get better.  We’ll be able to let them off the hook for their imperfections, and love them just as they are. We’ll be able to see when we are placing unrealistic expectations on people and adjust our thoughts.  We won’t expect them to know what we’re thinking unless we tell them. We’ll let them be who God created them to be instead of trying to change them into who we want them to be. We’ll allow them to live their lives without placing expectations on them only God can meet.

Today I’m going to find rest by releasing unrealistic expectations.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“The rich rule over the poor; and the borrower is slave to the lender.” Proverbs 22:7 CSB

Overspending at Christmas is something we all suffer from at some point or another.  In order to help us not make the same mistake this year, we’re going to look towards the wisdom of Dave Ramsey, who has helped thousands of people find their way to financial peace.  In his blog post, “20 Ways to Boost Your Holiday Budget,” he gives us helpful insight. In Dave’s words, “Live like no one else, so you can live like no one else.” 

First off, use the four gift rules: “Something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read.”  Don’t buy things just so they have more to open under the tree. My mother had a saying about great sales, “It doesn’t matter if it’s a great price, if you don’t need it, it’s still wasted money.”  Instead, my Mom bought gifts all year long, not just in December, another suggestion from Dave’s post. Dave also recommends getting a second job to pay for Christmas gifts, take paid time off from your regular job to work another job to buy presents.  Shop sales, or make gifts for the people in your life, don’t pay full price for anything. Another great suggestion from the article is to stock up on gift cards throughout the year. Buy a $25 gift card each month, by December you have 12 gift cards to give away without hurting your budget.  Drawing names in your family can cut down on holiday expenditures, as well as starting a Christmas account to put money aside each month for the holiday. Christmas comes every year, we shouldn’t be surprised by it’s arrival, but often times we are. These are just a few of the things mentioned in the article.  Obviously, some of them we’re unable to do at this stage of the game, but we can keep them in mind for next year.

Dave did offer a bonus tip that we can all follow.  Set a holiday spending goal. When we take a good look at our finances before hand, we can set realistic expectations of what we can spend.  As the verse above says, “the borrower is slave to the lender” (Prov. 22:7 CSB).  If we don’t learn to control our spending in December, we will be a slave to our creditors in January.  We can find rest by not overspending. Ways I’ve implemented this in my own life including not buying gifts for friends.  Instead, we go out to lunch and enjoy each other’s company. My husband and I choose not to buy gifts for each other, instead we take a trip each holiday.  My family drew names in the past, now we just enjoy a meal together. The time we spend with people is more precious than spending it looking for the perfect gift.  

Today I’m going to find rest by not overspending.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“There is an occasion for everything and a time for every activity under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1 CSB

We’re going to spend time looking at 10 of the most common holiday stressors identified in this article from Psychology today.  Holidays create anxiety in all of us, and the number one way is by trying to get it all done.  As you all know, I don’t have children, but I have plenty of friends who have children. When I talk to my friend Heather about her days, I’m exhausted with all of the things she does in a day.  Working full time, carpooling kids around to events, serving her church, she is always on the go. How can we find rest in the madness? How do we let go of the expectation to get it all done?

The key is in prioritizing.  Take time to think about the things that are really important this holiday season.  The house doesn’t have to be cleaned to perfection to be full of love. The article suggests making a list of everything that needs to be done, then give yourself a few days to add or detract from it if necessary.  Plan one day for shopping, one day for decorating, one day for baking. Whatever gets done on those days are what gets done, if it all doesn’t get done the world won’t fall apart. Give yourself grace this holiday season, allow yourself not to get it all done.  Maya Angelou, famed civil rights activist, poet and award winning author summed it up best in these words. “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Making people feel loved doesn’t require expensive presents, immaculate houses or perfectly decorated pastries. People feel loved when we are present.

Peter, in his letter to the churches in Asia Minor says we are to love people by being “like minded,  be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble” (1 Peter 3:8 NIV).  If we are so caught up trying to get everything done, we’re not going to notice what is going on in the people’s lives we’re trying to do everything for.  We won’t notice our husband’s dejected face after a long day at work. We won’t see the hurt in the eyes of our child when they feel ignored by us. We won’t have compassion for a hurting heart because we don’t even notice it.  Our pride in accomplishing every task will replace our humility. We won’t be present with those who need us most because we’re too busy trying to get everything else done. The holidays aren’t just stressful for us, they’re stressful for those we love.  But when we can find rest from trying to get it all done, we’ll be able to make those around us feel loved. The love we give them is what they remember the most, not the shiny wrapped package under the tree.

Today I’m going to find rest by giving myself grace from getting it all done.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice.  Become mature, be encouraged, be of the same mind, be at peace, and the God of love and peace will be with you.”  2 Corinthians 13:11 CSB

Resolving conflict requires maturity.  We have to be willing to lay down our wants and needs, learning how to help others with theirs.  In the same way Jesus died on the cross for us, we have to lay our lives down for our brothers. Maturity means we don’t have to have our own way all of the time.  We can allow others to shine instead of ourselves. We mature naturally with each year we are given, but emotional maturity may require more intentionality. An article from Entrepreneur magazine gives us insight into how we can mature with 9 practical steps.

First we have to seek self-mastery.  As we talked about a few days ago, we have to be self-aware of the places in our life we need work.  We need to foster a “growth-mindset.” For me, when I’m offended by someone, the first question I ask is “Why am I offended?”  This question always leads me to self-discovery about an area of my life I need work. We develop emotional intelligence as we seek self-mastery.  We begin to learn what triggers our emotions and how we can respond to them in a healthier way than we have done in the past. Instead of assuming whoever is trying to pick a fight, we can give them the benefit of the doubt.  As we mature we develop a positive attitude and independence. We begin to learn our emotions aren’t dependent on others. We are able to let them off the hook for the hurts they cause us because their actions don’t control our emotions.

Mature people are able to delay gratification.  They can put their needs aside to address the needs of others.  They don’t have to engage in every argument because they realize every argument isn’t worth engaging.  Mature people are truthful with themselves and with others. They take responsibility for their actions,  they are accessible to work out conflicts. They don’t hide from the conflict, they address it. When we strive to become more mature in our walk with God, it will show in our relationships with others.  We’ll have less conflict and more peace. We’ll pick our battles wisely, knowing not every battle is worth fighting.

Today I’m going to find rest by striving to become more mature.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“But if he won’t listen, take one or two others with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established.”  Matthew 18:16 CSB

Sometimes, going to the person to resolve conflict isn’t enough.  Too much water has been spilt under the bridge, too many hurt feelings are lying just beneath the surface.  No matter what the individual says, they are wrong in our eyes. All we see is “red,” everything they do is suspect. But this is a trap we have to be careful not to fall into with people.  We have to remind ourselves, we are all sinners in need of grace. No one is perfect, especially not us. If you shine a spotlight in my life, you will easily find a long list of imperfections.  But if you look for the good, you’ll see there is that too. Sometimes, in order for us to see the other person in their true light we need help from others.

When Ron and I were on our 3 week adventure, we only had one big fight.  The fight is a recurring one we have had in our marriage. We were in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  Our neighbors were Chris and Danny. They were from Florida, full-time RVers who have celebrated 35 years of marriage together.  God placed them in our life to help us work through our conflict. Ron and I were in the midst of arguing when they stopped by our campsite for a chat.  I knew God had sent them to us. Ron and I shared our disagreement with them. They gave us valuable advice that has encouraged us ever since. They helped us dissect the problem, and view it from different angles than what we could see.  As a result, we found the resolution we needed. We were able to put the conflict behind us, once and for all. We haven’t argued about it since. I know my role, Ron knows his role and we have both found peace.

Sometimes we need other people to help us see the truth in our conflicts.  We have to choose wisely who those people are, not everyone is going to give you good advice.  Choose people who you respect, who will have your best interest at heart, who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.  We trusted Chris and Danny because they had a great relationship. Their advice was invaluable to us, they helped us lay to rest a conflict that had plagued us for years.  When old feelings start to rise in me, I remember Chris’s words to me and I let it go. We need mediators in our lives who can help us find the restoration we need in our conflicts.  If we can’t find peace on our own, find someone who can help. A trusted friend, a counselor or pastor, someone who can help restore the relationship as God intends.

Today I am going to find rest by knowing when to ask for help.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother.”  Matthew 18:15 CSB

Has it ever occurred to you, the person you are in conflict with may not even know you’re upset with them?  People don’t know what we are thinking unless we tell them. Often they learn we’re irritated because of our actions, not because of our words.  We give them the cold shoulder, or the silent treatment, expecting them to know our thoughts. But unless we tell them why we’re upset, they don’t know.  When we have a conflict with someone, we need to be able to talk about it with them. We have to learn to communicate our feelings, in love to them so that there can be restoration.  And we have to be careful not to blame.

For instance, marriage is a stomping ground for conflict. Things can be taken out of context so easily, and so quickly.  My husband is much better at this than I am. He is a better communicator in the midst of conflict, he is able to stay focused on the truth of the situation and not get emotional.  As a female, I get emotional and therefore have to fight that battle as well. But when we approach each other with love and kindness, when we are able to communicate in love how their actions make us feel, then we can find resolution to our conflict.  When we were on our honeymoon we listened to a series by Craig Groeschel on marriage. The free kindle book can be found here.  The quote I have taken to heart most from his talk is: “Healthy couples fight for RESOLUTION. Unhealthy couples fight for VICTORY.”  We have made that a cornerstone statement in our marriage. We fight for resolution, not victory.

If we are able to be transparent with whomever we are in conflict with, it’s a first step to resolution.  We have to be able to say, in love, “Your actions made me feel…” When we are able to discuss our feelings openly and honestly we can start finding resolution.  People can’t argue with how you feel, they are YOUR feelings, and they do matter. We have to become comfortable agreeing to disagree. No one is always right, there is always more than one way to reach a goal, and it doesn’t always have to be our way.  When we can start allowing others to have room to be who God created them to be, we can find peace from our conflicts.

Today I am going to find rest by being transparent. How can you find rest today?  Comment below.

“If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  Romans 12:18 CSB

Living at peace with the people in our lives requires us to allow people to disagree with us.  We have to be humble enough to know, we don’t know everything. We could be wrong, in fact, we might be wrong.  But God allows each of us to live our lives the way we choose. He has given us free will to make choices. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict, the choice is ours.  I have found there are people who thrive on conflict, and there are people who will do anything to avoid conflict. In reality, conflict is part of healthy relationships. As Solomon tells us in Proverbs, iron sharpens iron (Prov. 27:17 NIV).  The constant grating of sandpaper across a rough edge makes it smooth, in the same way, conflict can help us become better if we allow it too.

But there is another reason we need to live at peace with people to the best of our ability.  We never know how long we will have them in our lives. When Cody died, I hadn’t seen him since my Mom’s funeral, six months prior, but we were at peace.  He knew I loved him, and I knew he loved me, that peace helps me in times of grief. When my college roommate Leah died, we were at peace. We had lost touch as people do after college, but had recently reconnected.  We had an opportunity to reconnect with each other, rekindling our friendship. When she passed, I had no regrets, but if we hadn’t had those moments together, I would have regretted deeply not having reached out to her.  And when my Mom died, I had no regrets. I knew I had done everything I could to take care of her and honor her wishes. The Lord gave us two weeks together at the end to go through old pictures, answer any last questions, so that when she passed, I had no regrets.

In reality, there are people in our lives the best way to find peace is from afar.  In cases of abuse, the best scenario is praying for them out of harm’s way. God isn’t asking us to be door mats, He’s asking us to live at peace.  Unhealthy people can’t have healthy relationships, if they aren’t willing to do the work to become healthy, we can’t do it for them. The best thing we can do with people who refuse to take responsibility for their actions is love them from afar.  We aren’t the ones who change people, God is. Often, when we pray for them, the person He changes is us. He gives us insights into how to love them better, often from a distance. And He is always working, no one wants unhealthy people to become healthy more than God, but that is His work, not ours.  Learning to set boundaries in unhealthy relationships is how we find His peace.

Today I am going to find rest by finding peace.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“Why do you look at the splinter in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the beam of wood in your own eye.” Matthew 7:3 CSB

When it comes to conflict, we all have a role.  Webster’s 1828 dictionary defines conflict as “a striking or dashing against each other, as of two moving bodies in opposition; violent collision of substances; as a conflict of elements, or waves; a conflict of particles in ebulltion (boiling).”   When two individuals with opposing ideas bump against each other, conflict arises.  Often, when we’re in the midst of conflict, we’re so focused on the other persons “faults,” we don’t realize, we have faults of our own.  We spend more time blaming the other person than defining our part in the conflict. But if we want to diffuse conflict in our lives, we have to look at what our part in the conflict is, AND we have to take responsibility for our actions.

An article from the Denver Institute for Faith and Works, describes our role in conflict. “We are all sinners, whose hearts have tendencies toward self-serving motivations and selfish pride.”   in a nutshell, none of us are perfect, we are all sinners, our default mode is selfishness.  We have to be self aware enough to understand why we respond the way we do? Why does the other person’s actions offend me?  What is the deeper issue? What sin in our lives are we leaving unattended? Before we start pointing out someone else’s sin, we need to start with our own sin.  We need to take the plank out of our own eye before we deal with the splinter in someone else’s.

One of the hardest parts about conflicts we engage in is not letting our emotions drive us.  Our feelings lie. We can create entire narratives in our head that aren’t true. For instance, when you get cut off in traffic, have you ever assumed the person did it intentionally?  I have. I’ve taken it personally when someone has cut me off in traffic. The other day, the same truck cut me off twice weaving back and forth in traffic. I was fuming. But then I saw the look on the woman’s face which obviously communicated she had no idea where she was going.  Or when you come home from work and your spouse does something that drives you through the roof. Automatically you assume they’re trying to pick a fight, but in reality, they don’t even know they have irritated you. However we create stories in our minds that say the opposite. Instead of focusing on the truth of the situation, we focus on the lies.  Often times, we’re the problem, but we don’t want to take the time to examine ourselves, or admit our part in the conflict. If we’re going to rest from conflict, we need to learn to examine ourselves first before we point fingers at the other person. Remember, when we point our finger at someone else’s faults, there are three fingers pointing back as us.  Examine your own heart first.

Today I’m going to find rest from blaming others.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.

“Do not take revenge or bear a grudge against members of your community, but love your neighbor as yourself, I am the Lord.”  Leviticus 19:18 CSB

The holiday’s bring conflict.  Conflict within families, conflict within marriages, conflict within friendships, even conflict within ourselves.  People work longer hours to pay for presents. Days are longer because of Christmas events. Kids are in school plays and church performances which require extra practices. Homework gets done later and later.  God help you if you’re in retail working the holiday rush. People are rude, arrogant and thoughtless. Christmas Shoppers can be nasty, people have died in Black Friday rushes. Conflict abounds in today’s world, even more so during the holidays.

For that reason, we’re going to spend the next week looking at how to handle conflict in our lives, not only during the holidays, but all year long.  We are going to work to find rest from conflict, which equals peace in our lives. One way is by being proactive to potential conflicts. For instance, I play in a couple of tennis leagues.  I’ve played in these leagues for years. I’ve known the majority of players for years. Therefore, when I take the court on any given Tuesday, I can anticipate how the match will go because I know the players so well.  I also know who is most likely to cause conflict on the court. One way I anticipate for the conflict is by knowing who I will be playing with before I walk on the court. Then I can mentally prepare myself for the probable conflict that will happen.

For instance, there are women in our group who are known for making bad line calls, calling a ball out when it is in.  When people make bad line calls, conflict happens. Sometimes the conflict is very uncomfortable.  Therefore, if I know in advance I’m playing with someone known for bad line calls, I create a game plan to deal with the situation.  There are two possible scenarios, I’m either going to play with her or against her. If I play with her, I prepare mentally to overrule bad calls. If I play against her, I  decide beforehand not to argue. I have learned from my years playing tennis, it is not worth arguing over a line call. We’re going to apply the same process to the holidays. We’re going to prepare in advance for potential conflicts.

Begin praying about what possible conflicts could arise in the next month because of the holidays. Who are the players in your world that are known for causing conflict? Begin praying about ways to diffuse the conflict in advance.  Think about possible scenarios, what are ways to avoid unnecessary conflict? Talk to trusted friends about what to do. When we do these things, we’ll find rest from conflict.

Today I’m finding rest from conflict.  How can you find rest today? Comment below.